Silver lining.
{ Friday, December 10, 2010
2:23 AM }
This post, is written because I feel comfortable to let you guys know my life and its changes.
But most of all, it is written to encourage special people in my life going through tough times now.
Yuka's confessions pushed me to write this one.
I'm not trying to ask for sympathy, don't get me wrong.
I'm just trying to let you know that things will always get better.
Pain, it affirms your existence.
Don't deny it, embrace it for a chance of growth.
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I remember vividly that my mum asked me this question when I was in primary school.
She said, "what kind of dad would you want if I were to remarry?".
I remembered my answer, and I regretted it.
I didn't know where she was heading to with that answer.
I told her, someone like my uncle, but not exactly him.
As I grew older, I realised that their r/s wasn't exactly that of what it should be like.
Newspaper articles relating to my mum was posted by his wife around my void deck.
She wrote threatening notes to her.
Everytime I see things like this happening to her, it pained my heart.
I couldn't understand these bizarre happenings, but she just laughed it off.
I would always stop by my aunt's house everyday for dinner and last time, lunch.
One day, before I was going off to school from my aunt's home, I spotted an artible pasted on the walls.
My home address was on it.
Glancing around quickly, I tore it off from the wall and hurried back to my aunt's home.
I passed it to her.
Being illiterate, she can't read.
But there was no need for words, we all knew full well what was going on.
I hurried to school.
Throughout the whole day, I couldn't get that article out of my head.
When school ended, I headed back to my aunt's house for dinner.
I searched the place for the article. I knew I had to read it.
The contents of the article disturbed me, I didn't know whether I was to believe it.
Finally I succumbed to temptation.
I asked my mum about their r/s, and whether what written in the paper was true.
It said that they hooked up, and my mum cheated him of his money.
She told me to not worry, she said it's all a rumour.
I trusted her.
I trusted her, and then that trust was shattered.
Months later, when my grandaunt came over to visit me from Indonesia, she told me things that I didn't know.
She told me that my mum had invested money in business with him, and even lent him money for his home. His wife however, instead of thanking her, accuses us of oweing them money.
That night, someone came to our place.
I could hear the keys turning, but the door wouldn't open.
He shouted, kicked at the door, banged the door.
It was 1 in the morning.
My mum went to get the door.
He shouted at her, bawled at her, screamed.
Who was this man?
He was my uncle.
My grandaunt hurried out. He silenced when she appeared. He left.
Now, the very same man who I thought to be nice is living in my house.
4 years ago, my mum told us it was a temporary stay.
4 years later, he was still here.
My views about him changed completely.
He's just a hypocrite to me.
He sold my father's property for his own usage.
My mum forgave him, and even provided him with food and shelter.
My trust in my mum shattered completely, I couldn't relate to her- she was a stranger, and she still is.
His behaviour these few years get increasingly worse.
He acts like a thief, invading our privacy, trying to create unhappiness between my mum and my brother.
The only reason why he didn't do that to me was because I had his secrets.
He complains about the food, doesn't help out with the chores, acts like he owns this place when he doesn't contribute even a single dime.
My mum makes me feel like I'm a tool.
She makes me read and unlock his things for her.
I felt like an empty shell.
What was I to her, really?
Her thoughts about me were poor, I could tell.
She said that I was proud and arrogant, rude and stubborn.
He said that I'm a fool, unappreciative and too proud for my own good.
Now he makes dirty jokes in front of me.
He even openly insults my mum and spanks her in front of me.
What was I suppose to do or react to that?
She got mad at me everytime I tried to defend her.
She said that there was no need for that cos' he's joking.
Sexism has never been a joke to me, never.
He acts like a father figure when he's not one.
& If he really was one, would he act in such a manner in front of us, the kids?
Often I wonder if he actually thought and reflected about his actions.
If an egoistic man actually insulted his daughter like he did to me, how would he feel?
If I, as a kid, could understand this full well, why couldn't he, an adult, comprehend that?
My r/s with my mum has come to a point of saturation.
It can't improve anymore.
Losing trust in a parent must be the weirdest sensation one may have.
I don't miss her at all, she becomes like an ATM to me.
I never ever feel home sick, even when I'm away from her for a month.
We can't talk about her r/s with that man, because it would just turn into a big fight.
The previous time we tried talking about it, I gave her the cold shoulder for 2 weeks.
She cracked under the pressure and forced me to speak to her.
I can still remember the conversation.
She told me it wasn't easy to find someone who would look after US.
I looked at her straight in the eye and turned away.
She asked me to speak up, and was about to slap me.
Then I asked her, "Do you really want me to speak?".
Flabbergasted, she left.
We all knew what I wanted to say, I wanted to say that he didn't contribute to this family at all.
I lost my childhood innocence when I was around 11.
I lost my trust in the adults.
There was nothing that the adults could do about the situation even when I confessed to them, nothing.
But through these, I've learnt to see myself and set goals.
I've learnt to cope with the pressure. I've learnt to be myself.
People can say that I am too proud for my own good.
But I embrace pride.Pride, is different from vainity.
Pride is how you perceive yourself, and vanity is how you want others to look at you.
I'll be frank with myself, pride- I embrace it.
When you feel lost, and have nowhere to go, speak to yourself.
Nobody knows you, better than yourself.
Look into the mirror, what do you see?
Throw out all negative thoughts that you were told.
Despite how ugly people can make you sound, your inner soul will resonate with beauty when you confirm your worth.
You are who you are- there's nothing that can change that.
Be honest about your feelings.
Getting hurt and running away is no big deal, it's a process that you learn and grow from.
It is one from which you gain courage to face your fears.
We are not cowards when we run from our fears.We're cowards when we don't even want to face them at all.There is a difference between the two.
For one, you're just waiting for the right time, for you to be mature and be ready.
For the latter, you're just being a pathetic person trying to live with your mask.
Of course, masks are needed.
But it musn't be always worn.
Know when to take it off.
Know when, to stop.
Know your strength.
But also, know your weakness.
Carrying it all, you'll realise that you are a valuable being.
You're perfect, because of your imperfections.There's always a strand of silver lining even in the darkest sky and clouds.
That's what I believe in, and that's what I know.
When you choose to believe and embrace all of yourself, you'll grow stronger, with each time you fall.
And when the going gets too tough, remember, there's always someone you can listen to.
That someone, is you.
Cos' reaffirming your believes, gives you strength to carry on.
It gives you hope.
Listen,
To you, and yourself,
Always.
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Side note: Read the post below this if you haven't, it was written yesterday.
I am a tired human being.