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"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!" - Alice, Alice In Wonderland.
Dandelion.

To be a dandelion,
Is to fly free.
But being conditioned from young to believe you can't,
How many of us really can?

If a dandelion seed have been planted in the wrong type of soil,
It'll never germinate.

That's why,
I want to take that seed out,
And transfer it to the right place, with the right conditions.
I'll want to let it fly free.
And one day, I think it will.
Truly, I want to believe, but it's taking a toil on me.

I'm at this point where I'll have to consider the layout for my future.
& I'm srsly struggling when I'm trying to do so.
Basically, there're 3 things holding me back from following my dreams.
My family, friends and most importantly, myself.

I'm not going to bother to explain about family and friends.
The pressure's something most of us would understand.
Myself being the thing that holds me back the most?
Here's a tricky one.

I'm in a single parent family.
I'm the oldest child.
I have a younger brother to care for.
Suppose my mother (touch-wood), passes on soon after I fin my uni education?
Which course would allow me to support myself and my brother?

It may seem stupid to worry about such things.
But honestly speaking, it isn't. At least to me.
Growing up, I've learnt 4 important things.
1) You've got to fight for yourself.
2) You've got to learn to survive by yourself.
3) You've got to take care of the younger ones no matter what.
4) If mum's gone, you're going to have to pick up the pieces or you're gone.

Mum always jokes.
She says, " If I'm dead, you'll be orphans".
This is something I hear almost on a weekly basis.
It's a reminder to me that, reality rules over passion.
You're the oldest, you've got to think about the consequence.
You've got to always care for the young one and help him along.
You've got responsibility- that's something you can't escape from.

From what I've heard from all my poly friends- passion is the key in poly.
From what I've heard from my mum (known, to be correct)- reality is the key in life.
I want to be that dandelion that flies with the wind when spring comes, I want to pursue my dreams.
But with responsibility constantly placed on me, it's not easy.
I can't be selfish.
I must think for my family.
If that's the case, being a dandelion may not be the wisest choice at all.

Sure, I can always get through the tough times.
But remember, I have a brother to care for.
Say, what if I have to pay for his education or something?
Will I have the ability?

If you understand this struggle that I'm having right now, you'll understand why I'm still not coming to a decision.
If I take that route, it seems safer- mundane, but definitely more stable, I'll survive with this, just look at my mum.
But if I take the other, I might just be that dandelion, gone with the breeze, to places I've never dare to dream of going.

Trying to end this struggle,
Is taking a lot more effort than it seems.