My site
"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!" - Alice, Alice In Wonderland.
Realization and concoction.

I've realized something today.
I don't know how to put this coherently.
It's this sudden enlightenment.

In the silence of the night,
Sometimes I cry.
For what reason?
Sometimes, there's no reason.
It's just this feeling of emptiness.

It's not emptiness from lack of companionship.
The emptiness has been there since I realized that life in my household can only go on with denial.
Humans are peculiar creatures.
I know we're just lying to each other, and there's this unseen restriction line.
Yet in order to live in "harmony", we'll glady live by the lies we weaved.

I realized why my mum believes that I'll abandon her when she's old.
It's because I have no attachment to the family at all.
Is this normal?
When I go overseas, there's no idea of returning home in my mind.
I don't contact anyone.
I don't miss home.
And when I do return, I feel like life is unfamiliar.

The idea of home, it seems far-fetched to me somehow.
All I think when I picture home is about rest.
I suppose it's normal.
But it bothers me that I don't think of family.
Because maybe, there wasn't a family to begin with.

My affection to my mum,
It has a limit.
We both know it.
And we don't cross that line.

The emptiness I have probably came from such thoughts.
It can't be anything else.
I don't believe in wild passionate love.
If anything, my idea of love probably sounds ridiculous.
But that's a whole other story.

So, in order to make myself believe that it's ok,
I'll concoct other lies.
Emptiness is to be embraced, because the future's calling out to me to be seeked.
When I reach my goal, that emptiness would be filled.

I want to get out of this household.
But I don't know where to go.
I have no clear plans for my future.
I don't have a 'home'.
But all these are perfectly fine.

Because I have no where to return to,
Which is why I'll work towards my future,
To find that place,
That I'll return to,
& call it,

Home.

&till then, I'll believe in these lies.
And gladly drink the potion I concocted.