My site
"I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!" - Alice, Alice In Wonderland.
Trash can.

This comes from my mind's trash can.

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I've realized this about myself too,
It's becoming an obstacle.

I'm lacking in youthfulness, as they call it.
It's weird since I'm still a youth.
But, I can't feel excitement for most things.
& I like it this way.

Today, a senior told me,
"You need to change",
And I replied.
"I like myself as I am now, so I'm not going to change".
With a rather condescending tone, he told me to suit myself.

I actually embrace the fact that I don't feel excited for most things.
Yesterday another person called me, telling me about her love life.
It's tiring to hear about such things, when I don't truly believe in it.
It annoys me.

It annoys me even more when that person is overly attached to me.
It annoys me when that person doesn't realize that this attachment is tiring.
It annoys me when I get attached to somebody.
I'll pull myself away for weeks in order to get rid of that attachment.
It disgusts me.

I'm not excited for school,
Not excited for making new friends.
Not exited for some sort of epic love affair.
It's like a fling to me.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy making friends and all,
I'm just saying that it's a part of life.
I'm not particularly looking forward to it, but I don't mind it.
I'm not going to change myself just to fit in- that's sickening.
It really is.

I'm a boring person to many.
I have too many weird interests.
But I like myself this way.
I like drowning myself in morbid information about genocides, memorizing facts, writing essays.

When the door slammed today,
I ran out asking if they were having a fight.
Mum laughed and said jokingly,
"You like it when we fight, don't you?"
I laughed and replied "Of course".
She said, "You evil little thing", laughing it off.
I laughed too.
I admit that I'm evil to some extent. 
I like myself this way, and I'm not going to change.

Speaking about dreams-
I'm not as great as I want myself to be too.
If I find myself doing great in my course, I might just stay in this path forever.
Let's face it, it's easier to encourage others than yourself.
Between aspirations and cash, I choose the latter.

I have that responsibility to help with family finances as I grow older.
& I'm going to take on that responsibility without doubt.
Without question.
Because it's part of who I am, I can't deny.

Struggling to find out who I really am, 
Struggling to find the emotions I lost,
Struggling to find a place I belong,
Isn't this the essence of being human?

At some point of time,
Every rose has to die.
Mine withered long ago.
I understood at that time that I was too naive.
I changed- and that change was necessary for me.
As I struggle, I have a firm belief that I will reach the sky.