Oh how strange;

Fuckers

2012-01-19T01:35:00.000-08:00

There's a limit to everyone's patience,
And I think mine has just reached the limit.

I put in effort for projects because I think everyone should be responsible.
But what is with these fuckers who can't seem to do their work well?
Mind you, they are just:
1) Too lazy
2) Too full of themselves
3) Taking my efforts for granted

Look fuckers,
If you're coming to a polytechnic,
Start getting your ass off to work.
This is where you slog, not make others slog for you.

And if you're fucking rich,
Please ask your parents to send you to some other country.
In case you haven't noticed, you are a fucking burden to every single group you are in.

Words can't even fully express how frustrated I am with these people.
It's like they're stuck at the age of 6.
Have the responsibility to do your work.
Or at least grow some brains.

Fuck you and all your bullshit.
I hope you're fucked all ways by your colleagues and your boss next time.
Kthxbai.

Ridiculous

2012-01-01T09:16:00.000-08:00

I crave for change.
But I keep convincing myself that keeping things the same is the way to go.
It's ironical.

It's like a child who wants good grades but refuse to study for it.
I feel like that.
I want to get away- but I can't.

It's 2012, a brand new year.
As much as I want to change, I can't really do so.
My life seems to be at a stagnant point.

Maybe I should come up with new year resolutions.
I never did- and it seems like it doesn't have an effect on me at all.
What do I do to make me feel like I'm living? I really have no answer to that.

I have too much worries and grudges that I hold on to.
And as much as I say I don't care, I really do care.
In fact, I care so much that it's awful pretending to not care.
I have too much pride to let it all go.

What do I do?
What do I do?
It's like I'm just wishing for someone to sweep some spontaneous energy into my life.
But no- that's not how life works.
So what exactly am I hoping for?
I'm ridiculous.

"Don't wish, don't start,
Wishing only wounds the heart".

Wicked.

2011-12-28T02:49:00.000-08:00

Yes, I went to watch the wicked musical!

And guess what? It was WICKED.

It totally changed my perspective of the story, and I am inspired to re-read the series because I read it so long ago that I can't even really remember the details.

I don't want to spoil the musical for people who are going but let's just say it's such a heart-warming story.

It's definitely worth the money.

The effects are breath-taking, the songs are so melodious, the actors and actresses have great skills, the costumes are so vibrant.

Just sitting there, I don't feel like moving at all. I loved the music and setting so so so much,

I can't express my love for it.

I can't find my muse to blog,

Life's been so tiring.

I'm pretty sick of it.

If not for this day spent with my friends watching such a wondrous musical,

I think I might have wasted the remaining of my holidays in unhappiness.

So yeah, go live your life.

Puzzle

2011-12-02T07:01:00.000-08:00

So I haven't been blogging for a really long time,
But I can't find the motivation to, until today.

It's like time is slipping out of my hand and I'm making the wrong decision.
Then looking back, I actually don't regret my choice.
It's just me wondering why I'm stuck with assholes that I can't work with.
And it's fine if I get paid for working with assholes, but I don't get paid.

The existence of my social life is a mystery.
It appears only when I'm around people who knows how to socialize.
Then, I realize.

Fuck this,
They can't socialize.
Why should I bother with people who can't?

Who are they to try and change me to be who they want?
Who the fuck do you think you are?
I'm gonna be that piece of jigsaw that can't fit,
But I don't care because I don't want to fit into an ugly puzzle.

So yeah, fuck this.
I'm me. Stay the way you are- I don't want to fit in.

A message to life.

2011-10-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

A message to life:

Oh Life.
Life, Life, Life.

I look at you like you are human.
You are a very interesting human indeed.
You throw me with surprises that nobody else would,
And you present to me a plethora of emotions.

You present to me the weirdest of situations,
Those queer moments that make me enjoy your companionship.
But at the same time, throw me off balance,
When you slyly show me the morbid sides of you.
At times like this, you make me question myself and my actions run out.
My actions run out, pouring out. Or I run out of them.

Ah life.
Enigmatic. A mystery.
I never know what I'll get out of you,
Even if I know what I want.
You will steer me off the course, and then tell me to figure out the right way to get back on track.
You give me choices, so much that I cannot fathom what to do.

Yet I probably won't get sick of you.
I need you desperately.
Through my years, I realize that you are not physical.
You are mental.
You are the greatest teacher I've ever met.

For everything you do,
Leads to
Mental Strength.

But what are you exactly?
What is your significance?
Why are you here?
Why do you present yourself in different forms to people?
People are only what you make them out to be.
So why?
These are my silly questions to you.
In my course of encounters with you, will you finally answer them?
I hope so.
I really do.

And life- you're linked with love.
But what is love?
Is it selfless?
I think it's selfish.
Love is your partner, but do you know it well?
And love, love speaks of chemistry.
But what is chemistry?

You have a lot of questions to answer, life.
This isn't even half of my list.
You're manipulative, you really are.

People used you,
But mostly, you used them.

Oh life.
You, you are indeed a loathed marvel.
I'll call this a love-hate relationships, if you'd like.
Since you're all about relationships.
You're all about links.

And us humans?
We're all about you.
You, you with your love, chemistry.

Talk about lovers?
You're the true lover of us all.
You know it,
And indulge in that delightfulness of that knowledge.

Hey life,
You are a sneaky phantom.
You know us all,
But we know not of you.

And though we grasp bits & pieces of you,
We can never understand you fully.
And it shall be so for eternity.
Because you planned it to be.

A quick update.

2011-10-05T01:56:00.000-07:00

You know the strange moment you realize you're losing yourself and trying to fight against that change?
That is exactly how I feel right now.

Let me describe my current lifestyle to you.
(Because I haven't updated in a month).

I stare at the yellowing white blades of my rusty old fan.
I watch it twirl around.
I lose myself in its movements.
Then I look at myself.
Look at what I'm doing.

I feel the air around me- cold, stale, emotionless.
The noises outside my windows sings in my ear,
Singing a melody that I don't know of.
It sings of life.

And it's at this instance that I'm wondering,
What am I doing?
I think I am losing myself.

I pick up a pen,
I draw,
I write.
I don't know what to draw or write, but I refuse to let go of that black pen.
Because I realize that it is my connection to my past.

Nostalgia hits me,
Runs through my veins.
Yet I have nobody to relate to.
At this moment, I read.
I flip through pages of essays I wrote,
I look at old photographs.

At this instance, a part of me dies, a part of me revives.
And then I realize, it's all me.
It's just me- alone.
I will fight,
I will survive.

Friend? Not.

2011-09-02T22:27:00.000-07:00

Please don't call yourself my friend.
I'm tired of being the only one giving.

It's funny how I make time for you,
Work around your schedule.
Or be there when you need someone.
Go out with you, talk to you.

And you?
You come to me only when you have a need.
I am not your surrogate mother.
Please fuck off if you think of me as one.

I think my disappointment in you can climb mt everest if it was a human.
I think I lost all faith in you.
Fuck you and everything you've done.
You deserve nothing and should never expect me to do anything for you ever again.

Retreating.

2011-08-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'm socially awkward recently.
I can't seem to connect with anyone except my secondary school friends.
Either that or with adults.

Nobody else seems to be able to argue intelligently with me,
Give me good advices or good recommendations.
I'm evolving into my more laid back, introverted self.
All I want to do is read, write, draw, munch, sleep.
And I refuse to converse deeply with anyone else other than my secondary school friends.

Was it because we were trained in PL to think about others?
Was it because we were trained to accept other views?
I do not understand.

There's a difference between hearing and listening.
There's a difference between talking and conversing.
The color's blending constantly, from black to gray to white.
Recently it's as clear as ink on paper.
Recently, it's so loud and clear.

I want to retreat into my own world and be a hermit for a while.
I want to think of nothing else but self-fulfilling prophecies.

Maybe I'll get better after the holidays.
I hope I will.
God bless me.

Your songs remind me of swimming,
But I can't swim anymore.

Escape.

2011-07-14T02:45:00.000-07:00

She couldn’t recall when it all started, but when it did, it escalated at such a repulsive velocity that it threw her off her feet. As she sat pondering in her desolation, she recalled what he last said to her.

“What do you want from me? What more?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Just...go.”

And he did. He slid away like a snake. It was almost as if he anticipated her to respond in such a manner, to raise her white flag in disgust.

She held out her hands, clenching them together. Her veins viciously lashed against her skin, protruding out, calling for attention, grasping for air. The still air filled her lungs and tainted them, contaminated them, corrupted them. Her petite frame held in some disappointed tears.

1,2,3.

He didn’t turn back. Around the corner of the room, she could still see his silhouette. Its presence lingered for less than a second, and disappeared as soon as she fixed her eyes upon it.

What was left to accompany her in the cold cell was silence. They said silence was one’s best friend. In her recollections, papa once told her that.

“Why papa? Why?” She asked with vigor.

Papa didn’t reply, but gave a queer little smile that stopped her from sprouting more questions. His hand rested on her cheek, and he pressed his lips onto her tender, rosy skin. In that moment, all she felt was assurance. There were words, but there weren’t. Nothing came out of his mouth but a laugh, but somehow she knew the answer.

“Someday you’ll know princess. Someday you will”.

The unspoken answer now resonated in her soul. It reverberated, reverberated so loud and clear that she could not possibly ignore its significance. Yes, at this very moment, she understood why silence was one’s best friend.

For silence wasn’t there when she had someone to speak to, somebody intimate to confide in. It wasn’t there when words could transmit her emotions and expressions. It disappears when one’s mouth opened. Yet it is always present when one is lost deep in thought. It is there when words can no longer decant your message. Its hand would gently knock against your knuckles when you feel despair, as if to let you know that you can always lean on its shoulder. This action of course, could be misunderstood. But being the girl she was, she read its mind. Silence- it was there to accompany her when nobody else would bother to. It was there to speak to her without words, just as papa did when he was there. It was there, just like papa who gave her answers without answering.

“Papa.”

Her lips moved on their own, she said those words unconsciously. And in that moment of epiphany, silence left. It simple crept away.

“Goodbye, my love.” She whispered as it departed.

Then she sprung into action. From under the bed she gingerly took out a suitcase, awaking it from its slumber. Dust fairies whirled around as the ancient case came to life. She watched the fairies twirl till they settled. Their spark-like appearance and flutters amused her. Then into the vintage case, went a classy fountain pen, a tattering leather-covered notebook, some yellowing clothes, notes, some sugary snacks and her glasses.

Without more care, she scribbled a message on a piece of paper torn out from his notepad and left it in solitude on the crumbling desk.

“I am gone. Do not find me.”

With that, she took with her all the essentials for survival, and left the house with only that and her memories.

As she left, she felt fragments of her remembrance of the past flapping their wings back to the detestable house she escaped from.

For the next few days, she travelled north. Where to? She wasn’t sure. All she knew was that she had to get away from the revolting apartment and mend her brain that resembled a sieve. She needed peace. And so, she left the city that bestowed upon her so much anxiety and fear.

How many years has it been since she last travelled?

She couldn’t recall. For she have spent her life in that abomination of a city for almost as long as she existed.
The only route of escape from the hectic life was papa.
Papa restored some of her life every time it seeped away from her.
That's right, papa's spells created wonders.

“Papa”, she heard her muse probe. “Go to where papa is.”

And so she did.

Papa’s grave was in the county. A place where the “civilized” wouldn’t go, because only the slow and undeveloped stayed there, because this was what the school taught. But papa was more than civilized. He taught her the serenity of nature, the beauty of words, the intricacies of body language and most of all, he taught her about serendipity, about its importance and its powers.

But when he died, she thought that he carried it along with him to heaven. She suddenly lost the ability to respect life. She was able to breath, but lost the ability to do so. She was able to see, but lost the ability to see. She was able to think, but lost the ability to think. She lost her faith, and gave in to the regimental education system. Disillusioned, she followed blindly. Oh, how silly she was!

Now, as she travelled along to the county, the bits and pieces of perspective came gushing back in her blood. A kaleidoscope of wondrous expressions welcomed her. The blades of the weeds brushed against her golden-brown flesh, and she felt the wind playing with her hair. The smell of hay filled her nostrils, and she coloured her pearlies with fruits the farmers offered to her.

“This is living.”

Along the way she saw creatures she identified slowly in her old memories, and sketched their appearance in her book. Whenever she spotted something strange and unfamiliar, she would hear papa beckoning to her.

“Princess. Check it out.”

She would.

And then will be in awe for hours, smiling to herself.

As she travelled, she felt a young child’s hand holding on to hers, and heard a childish laugh that soothed her mind. But when she turned to look, there was nobody there. But it can’t be- there was somebody there, but she knew not who. Afraid that this presence would depart, she dare not question its existence- just sunk herself in this tiny indulgence of happiness.

Minutes, hours, days and nights, she walked with much enthusiasms.

So much enthusiasms that it was bursting at the seams of her mind, overflowing from her subconscious. She could not comprehend all that she have experienced, but she didn’t mind. She experienced- that’s all that mattered to her. Fueled by the new found source of energy and strength, her thirst for serendipity grew, and her newly founded inquisitiveness mounted with every breath she took.

As dawn cracked, she saw papa’s tomb peeking.

Palpitation coursed through her body, and she ran towards his tomb.

For she saw him standing there, holding his arms out, calling out to her. Her feet carried her as fast as they could, and she thought she smelled her soles burning. But when she finally reached where papa lied, she slumped down right beside him and traced the edge of his cradle. Even though he was gone for years, and his crib was consumed by the wild weeds and flowers over the long years of solitude, she thought a familiar scent lingered on it. The smell of papa, the smell of knowledge, the smell of life, the smell of liberation.

As she laid on the lush green patch of warm grass, she looked up to the sky. It was a myriad of saffron, ruby and tangerine. In it, she saw angels dancing and giggling, and as they danced, they sent a breeze towards her. The breeze caressed her gently, settling her mind. Her sensory neurons picked up the caring wind, sending impulses and her hair stood. And as they stood, a plethora of emotions overwhelmed her. Joy, confusion, elation, rage- she felt them all. Warmth travelled in her system, scurrying around, as though trying to make sense of this new phenomenon. Her head pounded wildly as she took these sensations in stride.

Then,

She no longer held them in.

Crystals rolled down from her cataracts.

And as they rolled, the fog to her window cleared, and she saw the presence that was with her all along.

It was herself- her soul. It took the form of a child, of when she was a child. But most of all, it took the form of innocence, it took the form of love, it took the form of affluence of euphoric emotions.

She forgot her cares, and closed her heavy lids.

From afar, she saw the city crumbled, obliterated.

A plaintive melodic symphony played in the silence.

She slept soundly.

---

So this was a pretty random write.

I'm sorry, I'm not a good writer.

In any case, my life is in chaos, and I'm attempting to get it back in the swing of things.

So for now, do bare with this write- I'll update when all's well again.

I hope life's fine for you too.

Literature.

Botanics adventure.

2011-07-01T02:37:00.000-07:00

So the other day I had an adventure on my birthday, I climbed a mountain.

I kid. I went to the botanic garden for the first time.

Birthday picnic, then after that I headed for work.

When we tried to camwhore:

I didn't climb a mountain, but I did climb a tree:

Then I joined in a race with golden brown coloured kids.
It was hard work.

I dropped out halfway and became the audience instead.
I managed to get a hi-5.

One of the few photos that turned out to be alright:

And at the end of it all, it was a fun day.
And this message is to all of my friends who still visit this blog:

Let's visit the botanic gardens sometime soon. :D

PS: On a side note, my MSTs ended. I am having fun rotting away at home.
I'll update again later, when I actually have time.
Currently, I'm trying to think of a name for my gen ed tumblr page and design a banner for it.
July might just turn out to be a better month! :)

Sleep monster.

2011-06-19T11:55:00.000-07:00

Sleep used to come so naturally,
But now it's due to exhaustion.

Tell me, is this really due to a screwed up biological clock,
Or is there more to it?

Last night I started tearing.
For what reason, I do not know.
There was a feeling that I couldn't comprehend,
And it resonated so loudly in my soul that I couldn't deny its existence.

What is it that I lack?
What?
I want to know.

I've been drifting in and out of this "space out" zone.
It's when I feel like I'm not me.
I ask myself who I am, and it's like I'm a spirit detached from my flesh.
And then, pushing myself to snap out of that stage, I will "awake" in shock.
It's like I'm there, but I'm not.

I accept myself for who I am.
But at the same time, I'm afraid of myself.

What is this creature that's lacking so much in emotions?
It's still me, isn't it?
What do I want in life?
Why can't you trust?

What,
What,
What,
What,
What.
Why?

There's too much questions,
They're overflowing,
They're overwhelming,
They're suffocating.

A monster.
With shackles on it.
I caressed its face, and it gently whimpered.

Its so torn, I don't know how to help.
How do I lift its burden?
How do I ease it?
But most importantly, what is the root of its turmoil?

I hacked the rusty chains,
But each time I do so, the creature merely looked at me with soulless eyes.
They were blue, but the shade changed every time I looked.
The metal released a melody that seemed to echo its feelings.

I love you,
I love you,
I love you.
But at the same time,
I'm so cautious of you.

I need you,
I need you,
I need you.
But at the same time,
I'm so cautious of you.

Tell me,
Teach me,
Enlighten me.

Help me,
Save me,
Liberate me.

And at that instance,
The habit kicks in.
I start writing, drawing, talking, spacing out.

I took the monster in my arms,
Held its fingers that were skeletal and charred.
Broken skin, scabs and blisters.
The creature smiled.
It was a stranger that I was familiar with.
It was the same smile that I couldn't read.

If I moved forth,
It remains steadfast in its spot.
But I can't leave it.
An invisible thread connects us- soul and mind.

Solve the puzzle with me.
Together, figure it out.

And for some reason,
I give in to that whisper, every time.

Because I can't let it die,
I'll give it my sap.

Because it tells me that there's an answer,
I listen.

Because you see,
It is I,
And,
I am it.

Pink dot.

2011-06-18T07:07:00.000-07:00

There's so much pink,

Surely you can guess what it is?

That's right, pink dot 2011!

The numbers have apparently rised by at least 2000 people, so it seems like there's an improvement in being socially accepting in Singapore!

Next year,
Why don't you join in too?

PS; There were really cute ppl!

Mud and threads.

2011-06-11T12:00:00.000-07:00

Surrounded by shrubbery, she felt confused.
With every few steps she took, she would stumble and fall.
Sometimes into a shallow pit, sometimes into earth.
Sometimes it would be through holes that transported her to another dimension.

She never realized why she tripped,
Because she never did look back.
Clean yet clouded, the state that she was in.
And because of these accidents, she found herself sunken deep.
Into a web of doubt and dreams, she couldn't find her way.

One day she found herself stuck in a mud pool,
With lots of effort she pulled and tugged,
Finally half out of the dirt and dust.
But when she looked down at the pool,
The level was rising again.

She looked around for help,
Nobody was in sight.
Then she heard a voice somewhere,
Coming from within the trees.

"Look down dear girl, you silly goose",
The baritone voice said.
Then she did, and what a surprise,
Around her ankles were threads.

Her poor feet were red and worn out,
And blood was trickling from fresh wounds.
But when she reached out and tried to touch them,
The threads would get out of her sight.

Shocked, she turned to the trees,
Asking for the stranger's wise words
But the soul never did reply,
And lost, she started to cry.

And when she calmed down,
She pondered in the mud pool.
Minutes, hours, days and weeks,
She sat there just thinking.

And suddenly, on a rainy day,
She reached an epiphany.
At that point, the mud was gone, dried and caked on her skin.
And surprisingly, the threads too, were missing,
Yet she didn't untangle them.

Though dirty, she was clean.
And that day, she walked free.

---
Sometimes, we'll never really notice the threads that were holding us back.
And when we understand why they were there, the solution's so easy and clear, but somehow we can't get ourselves out of this mess
I guess at times, we just have to lose something, to realize its worth to us.
Things aren't always what they seem.
Sometimes, we just have to give our all.
Untangling threads- it just may be easier than harder than it appears, all these depends on our mindsets.
Say, have you reached an epiphany?

PS: The above story is totally random, and if it sucked, please bear in mind that it's written at 3am, within 5 mins. So, forgive the writing. On a side note, I think I'm going to start a page to record my drawing-learning process.

Foundation.

2011-06-07T02:14:00.000-07:00

Once again, I'm glad that I've stopped myself before I got too attached.
I wanted to trust you, but your immaturity stopped me from doing so.
It's tiring how I'm trying, and yet you take my efforts for granted.

Maybe you want me to go after you,
Maybe I should.
But this chase is far too weary for me alone.
Nobody's in it with me, nobody wants to be.

There was a period of time when I thought that I could trust you,
Till I realized that your selfishness isn't what I want.
I shouldn't save a spot for someone who won't stay,
That's why I'm moving on.

There's nothing I can do to change your mind.
You're the only one who can change it.
You told me so yourself, and I won't deny it.
Yet you're so adamant about the fact that you're right.
So tell me, what am I to do?
Cos' I know you're heading down the wrong path, but because of the stance that I'm in, I can't correct you.
I'm in no position to.

I can't read your mind.
I never will.
Do you want me to go after you or not? I don't know.
This friendship looks a lot like a tragedy to me now.

For the last time, I say that I'm not bothering.
But I am bothered by how I am not bothered.
This just isn't like me.
Yet, if this is what I think you want, and what I think is best for myself, I have to stop.
There's no turning back.

I'm still standing here in the same spot,
Waiting for you.
But as the days pass,
All I get is coldness.
& I'm hit with the realization that we aren't what we thought we were.

What's left are my numb fingertips.
My numb fingertips that are holding on to the cracks in our foundation.
I know that I should forget, but I can't.
I know that I should let go, but I can't.

All I can do now is wait.
Wait for time to pass.
Wait for wounds to heal.
It's stupid how I thought I could stand by you, because I thought you were more than this.

Your actions proved me wrong.
They proved how foolish I was.

You'll never come running back to me,
You'll never apologize.
But if you were to do so, what would I say?
I'm not sure of it myself.

I don't want to leave you behind,
But you don't want to move forward with me.
There's only so much I can do.
Because I can't pull you along, and I can't stay put.

I'm at a loss as to what to do.
You've forced me into a corner, it's sad how we have to throw each other aside.
It's sad how our trust have been broken by your selfishness.

Our foundation's falling apart.
Yet we're standing there watching each other.
Smiling,
Covering up our anxiousness.
This awkwardness, it's going to be there forever.

Pauses.

2011-05-31T05:14:00.000-07:00

Life has been an emotional roller-coaster.

Too much have been going on in this short period of time.

So much that I can hardly take a breath.

It's like I'm constantly panting, constantly grasping for the oxygen that I lack so badly.

Term break starts this Saturday, and I'll start plunging into a full time mugging mode.

Despite all these, I'm glad that I've chosen to go to a polytechnic.

Life's tiring, but somehow I've kept afloat of the situation.

Somehow, I feel like struggling on will be the right choice.

No matter how weary I am, how torn I am, I still like my school life.

Let's just say, the "pauses" I have in life make me appreciate it even more.

With all the drama going on, it's easy to forget what I was looking for in life.

Somewhere along the way, I forgot about optimism, I forgot about all the promises I made to myself.

But with the few times I took away from studying, I've learnt to treasure my free time more.

I've learnt to reflect even more, and to be more understanding.

IB Camp was a time that got me bonded with others that I don't hang around with.

It was tiring, but at the same time, immensely enjoyable.

I was reluctant to attend it at first, but at the end of it, I thought it was a good decision after all.

And then there was chow's b'day.

Had to rush to Rach's house after school and I had presentation today (shit).

It was an awesome night.

It's like I'm back in secondary school again, seeing all of you guys.

Sometimes, just being away from school mates make me feel more like myself.

The more time I spend away from you guys, the more I treasure the friendship we have.

It was touching- how you guys are ever-ready, ever-rara.

And chow, thanks tons for coming to SP.

I wasn't expecting that. Serendipity (to a certain extent) at its finest.

Pauses.
These pauses.
They make me realize that there is so much more in life.
& thank god that they are there.
Thank god that I still have you all.

Take me higher baby.

Don't know what to say.

2011-05-21T23:17:00.000-07:00

School has been an emotional roller-coaster so far.
It has only been a month but I feel like I've been in poly for a year alr.
In any case, I'm just glad that my projects turned out to be rather well.
Or maybe it's just because I can get along with almost everyone in class.

School has been a mixture of anger, angst, happiness and confusion.
I really don't know how to sum it up,
Since it feels like an entire year have passed by already.
Ask me anything, and I'll try and answer.

I don't know how to calm both sides sometimes.
I've good friends, but they all lack good communication with one another.
It's a bit like tag-o-war.
One side tells me to stop hanging out with the other.
But honestly, I just need some time to figure out what I really want.

If both sides confide in me,
I can't just throw them away.
It's like abandoning a lost lamb.
It's cruel. It's just not what I want in a friendship.

Through it all,
I'm weary.
But somehow I feel like I need to carry on.
I don't want to give up on either side, because I believe that it'll work out eventually.

And another problem.
Gnawing annoyance growing increasingly.
I need to have better tolerance towards whiny people.
I really do.
It makes me irritable, why?

Yesterday I had a dream.
In a sea of flowers.
The sky was orange, tints of blue.
I thought I saw your sadness.
As I hurried over, you flashed a smile.
So sad I couldn't bear.
I gave you a dafodil I pulled out of my pocket,
My dress flitter-fluttered.
In that instance you disappeared,
Turned into a firefly.
You flew towards the clouds above,
Lost, I said goodbye.

Random post.

2011-05-08T05:08:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a long time since I've posted something.
Life's pretty much the same, I'm getting use to this pace.

Life's the same but missing a piece.
Maybe it's because it's almost like it's forever holidays without you guys.
Things have changed so drastically,
Attempting to stay in contact is harder then I'd imagine.

It's like we have no common topic.
We need to have one.
When will we catch up with each other?
It's one of my PMS days, I apologize.

Poly life.

2011-04-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

When you begin to get use to life,
It's the moment when your excitement dies down.

When we first got together,
We thought we were all in it together.
But as times passed by,
That unity splits apart.

It falls,
Fails,
Tears,
Wither.

And there's nothing you can do but accept it.
Sometimes, I wonder how different things would be if the existence of spaces were so obvious.
A few days ago, the class was still a class.
It was a team.
A few days later, the class remains a class.
But now, it's just made up of groups.

What's the difference, you may ask.
Let me tell you, the difference cannot be more clear.
A team works together.
A group- it's just a bunch of people placed together.

It's sad to confirm my doubts about poly life.
But what can I do?
Nothing,
Nothing but to accept it.

When I look at that desperation of another classmate,
Look at that anger and sadness,
Look at that space,
I can't help but feel sad.

But when I do,
I remember that there's still hope.
Cos' the 2 different groups are making an effort.
We're making an effort.
We, the people who still care about the times we spent together.
I believe that smiles will still be shared, through it all.

Trash can.

2011-04-08T11:10:00.000-07:00

This comes from my mind's trash can.

-----------

I've realized this about myself too,

It's becoming an obstacle.

I'm lacking in youthfulness, as they call it.

It's weird since I'm still a youth.

But, I can't feel excitement for most things.

& I like it this way.

Today, a senior told me,

"You need to change",

And I replied.

"I like myself as I am now, so I'm not going to change".

With a rather condescending tone, he told me to suit myself.

I actually embrace the fact that I don't feel excited for most things.

Yesterday another person called me, telling me about her love life.

It's tiring to hear about such things, when I don't truly believe in it.

It annoys me.

It annoys me even more when that person is overly attached to me.

It annoys me when that person doesn't realize that this attachment is tiring.

It annoys me when I get attached to somebody.

I'll pull myself away for weeks in order to get rid of that attachment.

It disgusts me.

I'm not excited for school,

Not excited for making new friends.

Not exited for some sort of epic love affair.

It's like a fling to me.

I'm not saying that I don't enjoy making friends and all,

I'm just saying that it's a part of life.

I'm not particularly looking forward to it, but I don't mind it.

I'm not going to change myself just to fit in- that's sickening.

It really is.

I'm a boring person to many.

I have too many weird interests.

But I like myself this way.

I like drowning myself in morbid information about genocides, memorizing facts, writing essays.

When the door slammed today,

I ran out asking if they were having a fight.

Mum laughed and said jokingly,

"You like it when we fight, don't you?"

I laughed and replied "Of course".

She said, "You evil little thing", laughing it off.

I laughed too.

I admit that I'm evil to some extent.

I like myself this way, and I'm not going to change.

Speaking about dreams-

I'm not as great as I want myself to be too.

If I find myself doing great in my course, I might just stay in this path forever.

Let's face it, it's easier to encourage others than yourself.

Between aspirations and cash, I choose the latter.

I have that responsibility to help with family finances as I grow older.

& I'm going to take on that responsibility without doubt.

Without question.

Because it's part of who I am, I can't deny.

Struggling to find out who I really am,

Struggling to find the emotions I lost,

Struggling to find a place I belong,

Isn't this the essence of being human?

At some point of time,

Every rose has to die.

Mine withered long ago.

I understood at that time that I was too naive.

I changed- and that change was necessary for me.

As I struggle, I have a firm belief that I will reach the sky.

Times like this.

2011-04-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

Time like this, I harbor a strange thought.
I'm telling myself that I might just change paths when I graduate from poly after all.
& Let me tell you why I believe that it's stupid.
Because I've never intended to do so the moment I decided to enroll in international business.

It's tormenting because I wanted to go to an art course so bad,
But when I think about it- it might be unrealistic.
& I might not be up to the job.

I've never taken professional art lessons in my life.
As much as I want to, I know I can't afford it.
Money and time wise.
All I can do is to take it as a hobby.

The stupidest thing is when I spot online contests.
& such contests have works that make me think "hey, I can draw like that too!".
These moments are the worst.
Because when I look at it, just winning would get you an apprenticeship or something related to it.
& then this far fetched dream begins.

I'll be thinking that I can go to an art university with a good portfolio.
Even without experience.
Even though I have a diploma completely unrelated to it.
And then reality slaps me in my face like a bitch would.
3 years down the road, I'll probably come to the same hesitation too.
& I think I might just make the same choice of sticking to an old fashioned pathway.

Sure, I can always carve a path out for myself.
But, it's too hard when you have nothing.
& the little talent that I doubt of.

I won't allow myself to regret,
So, to hell with fantasy.
That's what the realistic me says to my inner muse.
So if 3 years from now, I decide to go with my fantasy,
It's time to say that my realistic self lost the battle.

Somewhere along the line, I've always hoped to be that girl that cinderella.
Except that it doesn't apply to love, but to my unrealistic ambition.

Mixture of messages.

2011-03-31T03:43:00.000-07:00

You know, you can always come to me.
Cos' I'll be rooting for you.

I don't know what to say right now,
But I know it's ok to cry.
You'll stand up again, I know you will.

Hey now, don't go on saying you're useless.
If you say stuff like that, you'll begin to believe in this kind of crap.

It's hopeless.
It's not.
Hopeless, it's just "Hope, less", but it means it's still there.

My life is a mess.
Well, you have to pick yourself back up again.

Omg, what's with this workload?
You chose it, didn't you? So suck on it.

What did you just say?
You heard me, don't make me repeat.
And why the hell are you so worked up for?

This can't be happening.
Yes it is, it's super happening in fact, deal with it.

The things that I sometimes tell myself.
Or secretly think in my head.

-----------

I'm updating way too much, otl.

My dear bad friend/ dream dairy

2011-03-28T23:46:00.000-07:00

Hey my friend, are you getting irritated by me?
I know you are.
But you know what?
Keep your emotions in check, cos' I'm even more irritated.
I've been offended by your words, but I didn't even mention it.

It's petty (imo) to flip over something someone said to you,
That's why I don't retaliate.
But that doesn't mean that I don't feel,
I'm a fucking human too.

& just in case you don't know,
Let me remind you that I can still remember what you said that offended me even years back.
Why?
Simply because it hurt me when you said that, and you didn't even notice.
You've got to be less dense, my dear.

Don't tell me that I'm self-righteous, cos' you are too.
& even more so than me.
& years back, do you remember bawling at me for something I didn't do?
I sure do, cos' it made me feel so full of unjust, and you never did apologize even after you found out the truth.
Do you remember speaking to me in a cynical tone, and making fun of my looks?
Do you remember acting high and mighty, saying that I'm not as good as you?
Do you remember saying something in a disgusted tone, almost insinuating that I'm a slut?

I remember.
I never once forgot.
But yet, because I thought it was immature to be offended by such comments,
I let it slide.
It's sickening to hide these feelings. It really is.
I can forgive, but I never forget.

You forgot all these,
& continuously add on to this list.
You may not know but, you have unwittingly left a dent on my heart.
Thanks for stepping all over it.
Thanks for giving me a chance to mature, and train my tolerance level.

I won't change to the likes of you.
Neither should you change for me.
The world needs people like us for society to function.
One who acts nonchalent, and tries to stay calm no matter what.
The other who's rash, and shows it all.

Without you, my world would be less.
Thanks for being such a douche, cos' I needed that to appreciate others.
& Of course, with your doings, I learnt to trust only the right friends.

ps; this is not in reference to any particular person, it's kind of like a collation of the bad experiences I have. I form an image of a horrible "friend" with all these experiences.

----------

Ah right. I was suppose to talk about my dream.
I'm gonna keep it short.
The setting was in a kampong, and it started with a girl rowing a boat across the lake.
Then someone called out to her, and she responded.
The person sprayed insect repellant into her eyes, blinding her temporarily and kidnapped her.
The next morning, under a tree, they found a pair of legs.
The upper body of the girl was gone- it was the kampong girl.
So an investigation started, and I found the killer (who happens to be my classmate, wtf, though it's not anyone I know of irl).

Oh and, that's all cos' I'm too lazy.
In any case, please ignore the post I wrote below.
I don't know what the hell I'm talking about.

Lessons: No 1.

2011-03-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

The first time I met her,
She taught me a precious lesson.
And thereafter, it never stopped.

Lesson no 1: Get back on your feet.

She wore a sad look.
It was almost unbearable to look at such an expression,
Yet I couldn't take my eyes off her.
In her eyes, I saw nothing but emptiness.
& when when she noticed that I was silent,
She immediately wore a smile on her face.

Did she force herself to smile?
I don't know.
All I remember was that even though she seemed to stand strong,
And even though her smile seemed so light,
Somehow I could hear her heart singing a lonely melody.
It was a melody that pierced my heart,
Yet as sweet as a lullaby.
It soothed my agitated heart, but at the same time, filled it up with a strange wave of loneliness.

"Hey, are you alright?"

She held out her hand to me.
I reciprocated.
Her fingers were long, slender, cold.
I shuddered.

"Say, how long have you been in that pathetic state?"

The question stunned me, left me dumbfounded.
This woman, she's so straightforward.
Not hesitant at all.
& even as she asked me such a hurtful question, she did it with a straight face.

"Months".
"It's about time you get back on your feet. Look at you, look at yourself clearly".

Saying that, she took my hands.
Why should she care about me? I was convinced that she had an ulterior motive.
Reluctantly, I followed. Where were we heading to?
I was not sure.
But it was as though I was under a spell, I couldn't refuse her.

They said she could manipulate people's minds.
They said she could read you like a book.
That's what I've heard before meeting her.
They said that she was perfect.
Perfectly conditioned, a perfect doll, a perfect tool.
I wasn't convinced that they were right, because I sense her emotions, though she concealed them so well.

Even though her hands were cold, I felt warm.
We entered a dark room.
I couldn't see anything.
Silence.
Then she lit a candle and there, in front of me, I saw my reflection.

What she said was right.
I did look pathetic.
There was mud caking on my face.
And I was dressed in nothing but rags.
I looked like nothing but a disgrace.
Sighing, she pointed to this desolate looking creature in the mirror.

"You know, you're pretty useless. Stare at your reflection. Can't you see, after you get through this, you'll escape. Someday, you will."

"Well, you didn't."

I glanced at her.
Surprisingly, she had a calm look on her face.
I wasn't sure what to say. I thought that she'll be offended.

"It's true. Maybe I never will. But, who knows what will happen if I don't try? Time won't stop for me, even in this cage. If you aren't pretty to look at in this place, you won't be
able to repay your debt. More of such experiences are to come, dear child. You'll have to get use to it. Rather than being trapped in that small cage of yours', isn't it better to roam in a bigger cage like mine? I still have a pair of legs, therefore, I must keep moving forward. You can't stop here. You can't afford to."

With that, She took a rag and cleaned up my face.
So gently, as a guardian would.
" Tell me, will you be my apprentice? If you're willing, help me do my hair tonight".

Maybe I would be able to escape with her help, I thought.
Maybe I would succeed.
Maybe she was right.
After all, she was the only one who could roam around freely even though she's under the contract.

That night, I approached her cautiously.
They called her Muse because she was the most capable of creating life in this living hell.
Her hair was dark and long, and as I combed it for her, I felt like I was touching silk.
She never uttered a word as I got her ready for the night's ordeals.
With a poker face, she left for her job.

After her work, I secretly went to her room to check if she was fine.
Under the full moon, the light illuminated on her dark skin.
Her brows met slightly.
She was looking at the moon with a gentle look, and though her mouth didn't move, I thought I could hear her sighing.
Almost immediately after that, she sniggered to herself, she smiled.

There were cuts on her hands, and blood was dying her gown crimson.
Whose blood? I never knew.
Despite her plight, she never cried.
The dagger in her hand smelled of death.

She took their life.
& we knew her attachment to them.

Under the moonlight, her silky hair moved elegantly with the spring breeze.
Even though her lips were dyed red and her wounds maroon, I thought she looked magnificent.
I can never forget that smile.
It was one filled with so many emotions- sadness, loneliness and most of all, relief.

Was she glad that she finally have to end the torturous relationships?
In this cage, she may be the only one who's right.
Her heart called out, with every kill, she's one step closer to freedom.
At that moment, I realized,
To achieve freedom, I must first get back on my feet.

The first lesson learnt, getting back on my feet.

New Beginning.

2011-03-25T02:12:00.000-07:00

I just received my new student admission card.
I just got my new laptop.
I just started listening to new musicians.
I just learnt to appreciate my life.

It's a new beginning.
I'm going to live it out loud.

Life's been pretty predictable for these months.
But for the next few months to come,
I'm pretty damn sure that it'll be thrown into a state of chaos.
I can't wait for that to happen.
Cos' I'll want to adjust it back to almost perfection again.

I've been hanging out with pretty much the same people.
But I've realized that changes in our personalities really do test friendships.
Sometimes, I feel like we're in different worlds that won't even collide.
I'm attempting to hold on to these broken pieces of relationships, I'm just going to try a little longer.

I want to pick up new skills.
I want to learn.
But I need to find a teacher.
So here starts the journey of finding a teacher.
Making new friends.
Leaving footprints.
Laughing and loving.
Hugging.
Smiling.
Living.

On a side note,
You've successfully wasted some precious time in your lilfe reading this post.
(which is pretty random and can be considered as a waste of space).

Dear mum.

2011-03-18T08:55:00.000-07:00

Recently I find myself thinking of matters I shouldn't worry about.
Firstly there's university.
Then there's a job.

I'm going to study hard in poly, so that if anything, I can apply for a scholarship in uni.
I need to get a job so if anything, I can learn to survive on my own slowly.
And if I think more about getting a job in the future, I need to get one when I graduate.
What for? To pay for my fees if I want further education.
And if anything happens to the family, I'll be able to pay for my brother's school fees and household fees.

Working for mum for these days is equivalent to free labour.
I told her that she don't need to pay me yesterday because she has to pay a lot for my school fees and needs.
She told me that I should understand how difficult and tiring it is for her to support the family now.
Then I replied that I always knew, just that I don't know how to bring the message across.

Somehow our relationship may have improved.
Today we went out together for lunch in midst of work.
Went into isetan and we were looking at bags.
The handbags that she wanted were luxury goods to her.
She didn't buy any but bought clothes for the rest of the family.

When we left the place, I made a promise to her.
I hope that what I said brought my feelings across.

I told her, while holding her hands,
Mum, I'll buy you a branded handbag when I get my first salary on my first official job.
I'll bring you shopping. I promise.

I repeated that twice.
She said that she'll wait and smiled.
But I wonder if I really brought my feelings across.
After that handbag, I swear I'll get her the shoes she always wanted.

Later that day, I told her that I won't slack in poly because we were discussing about financial issues.
I'll study to get a scholarship.
Then with that degree, she'll be able to relax more.

我说过的，我不会忘。
因为有你，所以有我。

The mug I gave to her in primary school, she started using it only last year.
I reminded her of this fact and she replied, "我不舍得用"。
My heart ached when I heard that.
It did. I didn't reply after that.

Hey mum,
Despite all, thanks for being there for me.
Those bags and those shoes, I'll get them for you.
And that trip to tai wan, one day, I'll fly there with you.
So live long enough for that to happen.
I still want you to see me achieve.
Don't leave me with this idiotic brother alone.
It's tiring caring for him, you know that?

其实你说过的话，我从不忘记。
其实我总是铭记在心。
只是我不懂得表达我的感情。
看你的笑容，总是让我感到伤心。
对不起，你累了吧？
我不会把你抛弃。
因为没有你这棵大树的荫庇，不可能有我这棵小草的开心。
Even if you won't ever see this, 妈，其实我很爱您。

The mirror.

2011-03-02T10:27:00.000-08:00

Once there was a little girl.
A pretty thing she was.
She dressed herself in lace and bows,
Curled her hair, smelled like rose.

Once there was an old lady,
A scary thing she was.
She dressed in rags and table cloth,
Hair was undone, smelled like tar.

The old lady met
A pretty little thing while strolling in the woods.

They chatted and the lady said
" Come, take this".
Out of the rags she took,
A mirror, shiny and clean.
Polished, well-framed, Victorian style,
Passed it to the child.

Without thinking, she took it over.
Said her adieus and returned happy.
From then the mirror to her was,
The most sacred precious thing.
Daily she looked at self, and smiled at the sight she saw.

Day by day, she grew and changed.
And so the mirror did.

At 10, she stole a penny from
Her mother's kitchen table.
In the mirror when she saw,
Her thumb falling apart.

At 15, she made a promise
To her childhood friend.
Then she broke the vow she made,
Without any care.
In the mirror when she saw,
Her pinky dropped to the ground.

At 20, she told lies after
Lies
To everyone she knew,
To get her pretty clothes and shoes,
To match the pretty she knew.
In the mirror when she saw,
Her mouth drooped to a corner.

At 30 and 40, she lost herself
In a material world.
She took all the time in the world
To dress herself in powder.
In the mirror when she saw,
Her face sagged and wrinkled.

At 50 and 60, she sneered at all
The young and the happy.
She took man after man,
Never married as a Ho.
Laced herself up with red corsets,
Smoked multiple cigs.
In the mirror when she saw,
Clothes turning into rags.

At 70, she who have been
Abandoned and treated as an
Outcast
Lived a life alone.
In the mirror when she saw,
The old lady she once knew.

Once there was a little girl.
A pretty thing she was.
She dressed herself in lace and bows,
Curled her hair, smelled like rose.

Once there was an old lady,
A scary thing she was.
She dressed in rags and table cloth,
Hair was undone, smelled like tar.

The old lady met
A pretty little thing while strolling in the woods.

At 80, she lost herself
In a web of remorse and guilt.
She cried tears that no one cared.
No one cared at all.
In the mirror when she saw,
Her eyes dropped with tears streaming out.

They chatted and the lady said
"Come, take this."
Without thinking, she took it over.
Said her adieus and returned happy.

She never heard the old lady say,
"The mirror, beware of it".
With that her head rolled off.

Short post.

2011-02-26T09:09:00.000-08:00

If you were to describe yourself, what would you say?
In all honesty, I won't be nice when I describe myself.

I'm sarcastic.
I'm a liar.
I'm superficial.
I'm a hyprocrite.
I'm blunt if I need to.

That's just who I am and how I'm made.
I'm born this way.
I accept who I am.
You should, too.

This is my temporary home,
It's not where I belong.
Windows and rooms,
That I'm passing through.
This is just the start,
On the way to where I'm going,
I'm not afraid because I know,
This is my,
Temporary home.

Mission!

2011-02-20T07:04:00.000-08:00

I fell in love with a scene from Alice in wonderland.
When Alice meets the caterpillar.
Lewis Carroll is a genius in every aspect when writing that scene.

Maybe it's just me, but it reflects life a lot to me.
When Alice was fretting over her size,
When she said that sometimes she grows so big,
Yet sometimes so small.
If you don't take it literally, you can see the beauty of these sentences.

It seems like symbolism to me.
Or maybe it parallels life perfectly.
Her size, symbolizes confidence, to me.
Is it just me?
No, surely some of you will agree.

The beauty of literature.
I love pens and papers.

In any case, I'm on a mission to finish reading a list of books.
It's from a "must-read" list.
Also, I might re-read some classics.
Finished reading pride and prejudice and Jane Eyre today.
Started on the little women.

I hope I complete my mission. Ha.

Favorite quote from Alice in wonderland?
"You mean you can't take less. It's very easy to take more than nothing"- The Mad Hatter.
Ah, the mad hatter- he's actually sane.
And speaking of the mad hatter, you've got to be reminded of depp and his brilliant acting.

Adieu!

Happy Valentines' Day!

2011-02-13T09:30:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day everyone!
& Happy b'day to you moto!

I pretty much have nothing to blog about at the moment.
Except that I went out with JL, moto, Jez, Jac, LW, Rakel, Rach and Crys for the pass 2 days.
Watched Wallace and Gromit at JL's house after going to Orchard with moto together yesterday,
And had dinner with the other gang today.
It was really fun. :D

Love you guys, stay strong ok? :)

Love is poison,
Sweet poison.
You'll be intoxicated.
Try it if you dare.

Realization and concoction.

2011-02-09T10:24:00.000-08:00

I've realized something today.
I don't know how to put this coherently.
It's this sudden enlightenment.

In the silence of the night,
Sometimes I cry.
For what reason?
Sometimes, there's no reason.
It's just this feeling of emptiness.

It's not emptiness from lack of companionship.
The emptiness has been there since I realized that life in my household can only go on with denial.
Humans are peculiar creatures.
I know we're just lying to each other, and there's this unseen restriction line.
Yet in order to live in "harmony", we'll glady live by the lies we weaved.

I realized why my mum believes that I'll abandon her when she's old.
It's because I have no attachment to the family at all.
Is this normal?
When I go overseas, there's no idea of returning home in my mind.
I don't contact anyone.
I don't miss home.
And when I do return, I feel like life is unfamiliar.

The idea of home, it seems far-fetched to me somehow.
All I think when I picture home is about rest.
I suppose it's normal.
But it bothers me that I don't think of family.
Because maybe, there wasn't a family to begin with.

My affection to my mum,
It has a limit.
We both know it.
And we don't cross that line.

The emptiness I have probably came from such thoughts.
It can't be anything else.
I don't believe in wild passionate love.
If anything, my idea of love probably sounds ridiculous.
But that's a whole other story.

So, in order to make myself believe that it's ok,
I'll concoct other lies.
Emptiness is to be embraced, because the future's calling out to me to be seeked.
When I reach my goal, that emptiness would be filled.

I want to get out of this household.
But I don't know where to go.
I have no clear plans for my future.
I don't have a 'home'.
But all these are perfectly fine.

Because I have no where to return to,
Which is why I'll work towards my future,
To find that place,
That I'll return to,
& call it,

Home.

&till then, I'll believe in these lies.
And gladly drink the potion I concocted.

Happy CNY!

2011-02-05T05:21:00.000-08:00

So everyone,
HAPPY CNY.
I actually want to colour that but I can't cos' I'm using my phone to blog right now!

All I did for the pass few days was eat and eat and eat and eat.
I think I've got food poisoning from taking wrong food.
Stomach feels really queasy right now. ):
What are you going to do with your ang pao money?

I'm still coming up with ideas for mine,
But I haven't got much to spend.
That's rather sad eh?

My brain's been wanting stuff I can't afford. D:
I should get a weekend job.
That'll let me get stuff I want, or rather pay for my trip's expenses when I travel this year.
I need a camera to record down my outings. Anyone has a camera to sell to me for cheap? LOL.

I'm learning how to cook.
Then I'll survive in an overseas uni if I go to one.

Ah.

Whatever.

Happy CNY!

Pulling strings.

2011-01-30T06:33:00.000-08:00

Now tell me honestly,
How many of you think that it's ok to pull strings to get to where you want to be?
I find it just lowdown.
Ppl who pull strings to get to where they are, ~~should just work for the devil~~ probably have a lack of integrity in my head.

Why is this so?
Well- first off, if you don't make the cut, you're just stealing the chance from another person.
And it's even worse if you gloat about it.
If you even have a conscious, you would realize that it won't make you feel good by forcefully taking away another person's opportunity.
Oh, and if you don't feel like it's wrong- I just proved to you that you lack conscious in a certain part of your heart.

What triggered me to write this?
I've realized that so many ppl around me feel that it's ok to pull strings to get what they want.
It's even worse if they take advantage of their relations, aka carrying out this action.
And this itself irks me.
It makes me feel disgusted.

If you're someone that actually got their chance taken away from a person that's undeserving,
You'll probably be so incredibly mad about it.
Seriously? It's already an unfair world out there, even if you do have the chance to pull strings, you don't have to do it.
You don't have to make the world even more unfair and unjust.

If you want something badly,
Please- achieve it yourself.
It's only then that ppl will appreciate your achievements, not through some ~~shit-ass~~ stunts that you pulled off with your kins.

Ok, got this part off.
It's the above stuff I said that irritates me the most.
Other than that, it's another thing I've realized that makes me incredibly...confused.

Let's just put it this way.
I've come to a point where I realized that some friendships are rather superficial and shallow.
You can't talk to these friends about certain stuff because they simply cannot communicate with others efficiently.
They can't read the atmosphere, they can't tell when you're being serious or joking, and they can't even tell when you feel uncomfortable or is in need of advice.

These friends make me realize that I simply cannot talk to them more.
It's like your friendship with them comes to a stagnant point.
There won't be any development because they just can't read your mind (figuratively).
And the worst thing is that, because they simply cannot understand what you're thinking, sometimes they rub it in even more.

I mean, just because I'm smiling, doesn't mean I'm happy.
Surely friends should understand that.
But these people just don't.
I feel like they aren't completely human in a sense.
I can't seem to communicate with ppl like that.

It's like they have their own world, and is content with you only being a visitor in that world.
Simply put, sometimes I feel like they are being selfish and lacking in an aspect of being a friend.
A friend should be someone who gives practical advices.
A friend should be someone who talks to you and knows your concerns.
A friend tries to cheer you up with an encouraging message from their heart, and not some superficial "cheer up".
A friend always put you in front of themselves (you don't party when your friend's worried, isn't that how it's suppose to be? ).

And it bothers me even more to realize that these ppl are not aware that they are losing friendships because ppl are running out of topics to talk to them about.
The friendship, if crudely put, is just shallow.

And even more so, I know ppl who put down their other "best friend" down constantly.
In my mind, I find these ppl a pain in my ass.
If you're a friend, surely you'll be more accepting.
Giving constructive advice is different from looking down on your peer.

It's confusing- how am I suppose to continue having such shallow friendships?

And the last thing that gets me annoyed?
Job hunt.
No, more like- employers who lie. I don't have to elaborate on this. D:

In any case, I'm tired from typing.
I'm thinking of how to do my 'haul' video.
Update next time then. /stomps off. D<

--

Update, cos I just got pissed off again.
My uncle. Should just stop being a prick.
He's acting like the father figure and trying to give me advice when he knows his opinions don't mean a fuck to me.
Simply because he doesn't deserve my respect.
This anger and angst teen in me is growing constantly when I stay here.
I just want to be left alone all the time,
Or just with my brother will do.

I need to move out.
Can't wait for uni.
I'll probably move out.
All I think about when I see him lately are negative thoughts.
Like, when he gets a call,
"Oh, his kid died".
Or " He got fired."
And when he seems pissed, "Ha, he'd better go off and die".
I have to go.
Before the real me gets consumed by anger and die.

IMMA DOING THIS POST AGAIN TOMORROW OR SOMETHING TO ELABORATE.
JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE.

Optimism.

2011-01-26T09:15:00.000-08:00

So posting results were out.
After I've cringed and tried to get myself into liking international business in NP, they decided that they didn't want me in it even though I've met the COP.
To this unexpected results, I'm not filled with shock.
Rather, I'm pissed.

I've tried to get in through dpa, NP rejected me.
That, I get.
But even after I've got my results and can actually make the cut?
I'm STILL rejected.
It adds on to the fire to know ppl who got in got a 6.

In any case, I was posted to SP for international business.
I'm tired of convincing myself that such a course is stable.
Let's take a gamble- I'm going to go to visual communication in TP, if nothing goes wrong.
I know exactly where I want to head to after that course, compared to a business course.

If there's a god,
I'll take this as a chance from him and be optimistic about the situation.
Why, even my tarot readings (yes, say what you want) are saying the same.
I'll take this opportunity for what it's worth and make the most out of it.
Let's just go for it.

To everyone who got into their dream course, congratulations!
To everyone who haven't, all is not lost.
赛翁失马，焉知非福。
If there's a will, there's a way.
Ending with a cliche saying, when one door's closed, another opens.
Who knows? The other door may just be the perfect one for your life.
Don't despair- smile everyday, and see the beauty in every situation.

/Update: I just realized that I can apply for my first choice again too. So what the hell do I do now?

Changes.

2011-01-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

Oh hey. Don't worry, you're at the right place.
I just changed my blogskin. Why?
So that tagging is easier.
I know I'm nice.

Good luck to everyone for posting results!

Appreciation.

2011-01-23T11:00:00.000-08:00

It's this gnawing feeling inside my heart.
I've been reading expat forums, reports, or watching debating shows lately.
I unfailingly surprise myself with my reactions each time I look at these.
What tugs at my heart is how some expats can love the new country they are in, how some hate them, and how some grew up in these foreign countries and yet have little or almost no appreciation of what the country has given to them.

I'm not a super patriotic citizen.
Don't get me wrong, I like my country, but I admit that there are flaws too.
After all, there isn't a perfect country in the world.
But everytime I see someone giving critical views of a country, I get upset.
Really, I do. Even if they aren't talking about my country.

It may have something to do with my principal I guess.
I always believe that speaking with tact when you're commenting about a country is the best.
Honestly speaking, I get rather annoyed by ppl who don't seem to speak with sensitivity when they're talking about such a touchy issue.

First of all, no matter what you've been through in a country, there must be something that you've learnt about it.
May it be good or bad, you can't deny that you HAVE learnt a lesson.
Every single impression that a citizen in a country leaves you with causes you to view a country in a certain manner.
If you're a wise fella, you'll probably view any situation with an open mind and take it as a lesson.
It's incredibly irritating to see someone judge a country according to one person they've met.
Srsly? You must have more brains then that.

It never fails to "amaze" me when I see how ungrateful some ppl can be.
Just the other day, I heard someone speaking on the bus with a her local friend.
They were discussing about the prospects of the foreign lady.
They were discussing about the economy at some point and the foreign lady, said something that made me roll my eyes.
She said, "it's only good for you that the ____ currency is dropping, it isn't benefitting my country at all. Besides, I can't wait to return to my country, the ppl here are so apathetic".
Then there was this awkward silence between them. Of cos, wth do you expect?
Your friend's a local.

In my mind (to be perfectly bitchy and true), I was thinking "Then get the fuck back to your country. Stop living off our resources and being so unappreciative".
Even though ppl can be rather apathetic here, you can't deny that there ARE ppl who bother to help.
It just depends on who you've met.
If you met a dickhead in a place, are you ~~brainlessly~~ assuming that everyone in that place is a dickhead?
Her friend must have felt offended judging from her response.
Even if these are your true thoughts, pls, keep them to yourself.
Nobody wants to hear such unappreciative thoughts.

Sure, you can be frank all you want- but pick the right audience and moment.
All I can say is, be appreciative for everything the country has given to you- the good, the bad.
Every situation you're in is a learning experience.
Instead of being critical, why don't you learn to see things in a broader perspective and stop being so narrow minded?
Life will turn out to be much more fun when that's the case.
Life isn't a bed of roses or box of chocolates and it'll never be.
But if you stop being judgemental and start viewing things in another perspective, I'm pretty damn sure it'll be at least 100 times better than it is now.

----

All right. Getting tired from typing on phone.
Gonna sleep since I'm going out tmr.

PS. I've already been trying to get my point across briefly. There's this group of ppl in a certain country that seems to be more critical than ever but I'm going to leave that out. See? I'm demonstrating what I said! XD

Dream Diary

2011-01-15T01:12:00.000-08:00

Remember that I said I'll blog about a dream if I have nothing else to blog about?
Well, here it is.
I'm trying to make it sound like a damn story to make it interesting.
But if my english suck, that's too bad for you.
I haven't been writing for months, so please don't expect much.
Oh and, it's a dream. So please don't even expect in make sense.
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Footsteps are like a harbinger to a attack. It had just been 3 days since the zombie apocalypse, and the population of the city is already plummeting. Time ticked by. I couldn't believe that the father-daughter pairing in front of me were the masterminds behind the attack. The father looked sickly and couldn't even stand without a walking stick.

"I had nothing to do with this, it was HER idea.." , he muttered.
The daughter glared back at him. The menacing look on her face made him cower.
"Here, the vaccines."
She opened a old, rusty tin box. In there, sat 10 glass bottles. The fluid in it was a mix of neon green and yellow. I was skeptical about its contents, but there was no room for further hesitation.

The footsteps got closer.

"Hurry. Down here!"
Rushing to a baby crib at the corner of the room, she tugged at it. The wooden crib opened up and revealed spaces enough for the 5 of us in the room.
Blank looks appeared on our face, we were dumbfounded.
"Are you getting in or not? You can always DIE here, it's not much of a problem to me. "

Clumsily, we climbed and squeezed into that tiny space. I felt suffocated. I could see specks of dust swirling in circles around us.
I stared at my watch- 10 minutes left.
"Hurry!"
Major facepalm here. My co-worker was still outside of the box, struggling to get his LV bag into this tiny, cramp space which looked like it was about to explode.
" Do you REALLY have to get your bag?", I rolled my eyes.
" Yeah, it's LV. It cost a bomb you know?!"

Before I could reply, there was a jerk in the space we were in.
A loud buzzing noise filled my ears. Who would have thought that this abomination of a lift still works? Such a miracle!
It transported us down into the basement.
"Grab your guns...you don't know what's out there."

I wrapped my finger around my gun's cool trigger. The touch of it gave me a sense of security and prowess.
On the count of 3, I charged out of the baby crib.
To my horror, my co-workers were paralysed and couldn't move a single muscle.
A zombie with holes in his chest approached me.

I fired.
He moved.
I fired again.
He moved again.
I shot at his head at point blank distance.
He STILL moved.

Terrified, I ran.
Talk about the undead huh?
I ended up at the side of a window.
Anxiousness coursed through my veins and my heart palpitated wildly.
What am I suppose to do now?
The daughter ran past me suddenly and, fell off the ledge right before my eyes.
Her screams echoed in my head and the look of anguish on her face was unbearable to look at.
Sitting on the ledge, I had to make a decision.
To die from commiting suicide, or to die from a zombie attack, which one do I choose?

----------

OK, I WOKE UP HERE.
HAHA.

Yeah, great idea eh? Baby crib secret transportation system.
Jez, BUILD THAT.
& btw, I decide to put IBZ as my first choice afterall.
That's all for now.

Dandelion.

2011-01-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

To be a dandelion,
Is to fly free.
But being conditioned from young to believe you can't,
How many of us really can?

If a dandelion seed have been planted in the wrong type of soil,
It'll never germinate.

That's why,
I want to take that seed out,
And transfer it to the right place, with the right conditions.
I'll want to let it fly free.
And one day, I think it will.
Truly, I want to believe, but it's taking a toil on me.

I'm at this point where I'll have to consider the layout for my future.
& I'm srsly struggling when I'm trying to do so.
Basically, there're 3 things holding me back from following my dreams.
My family, friends and most importantly, myself.

I'm not going to bother to explain about family and friends.
The pressure's something most of us would understand.
Myself being the thing that holds me back the most?
Here's a tricky one.

I'm in a single parent family.
I'm the oldest child.
I have a younger brother to care for.
Suppose my mother (touch-wood), passes on soon after I fin my uni education?
Which course would allow me to support myself and my brother?

It may seem stupid to worry about such things.
But honestly speaking, it isn't. At least to me.
Growing up, I've learnt 4 important things.
1) You've got to fight for yourself.
2) You've got to learn to survive by yourself.
3) You've got to take care of the younger ones no matter what.
4) If mum's gone, you're going to have to pick up the pieces or you're gone.

Mum always jokes.
She says, " If I'm dead, you'll be orphans".
This is something I hear almost on a weekly basis.
It's a reminder to me that, reality rules over passion.
You're the oldest, you've got to think about the consequence.
You've got to always care for the young one and help him along.
You've got responsibility- that's something you can't escape from.

From what I've heard from all my poly friends- passion is the key in poly.
From what I've heard from my mum (known, to be correct)- reality is the key in life.
I want to be that dandelion that flies with the wind when spring comes, I want to pursue my dreams.
But with responsibility constantly placed on me, it's not easy.
I can't be selfish.
I must think for my family.
If that's the case, being a dandelion may not be the wisest choice at all.

Sure, I can always get through the tough times.
But remember, I have a brother to care for.
Say, what if I have to pay for his education or something?
Will I have the ability?

If you understand this struggle that I'm having right now, you'll understand why I'm still not coming to a decision.
If I take that route, it seems safer- mundane, but definitely more stable, I'll survive with this, just look at my mum.
But if I take the other, I might just be that dandelion, gone with the breeze, to places I've never dare to dream of going.

Trying to end this struggle,
Is taking a lot more effort than it seems.

600th.

2011-01-04T04:14:00.001-08:00

This is the 600th post.
I've been lazy.
So I'm just here to say:

HAPPY TWO-OH-ONE-ONE!

2011's gonna kick ass, wait for it.

On a side note, thank you guys for being there.
& On another side note, I'm an awesome organizer and I'll organize partehs next yr, love you guys.

Silver lining.

2010-12-10T02:23:00.000-08:00

This post, is written because I feel comfortable to let you guys know my life and its changes.
But most of all, it is written to encourage special people in my life going through tough times now.
Yuka's confessions pushed me to write this one.
I'm not trying to ask for sympathy, don't get me wrong.
I'm just trying to let you know that things will always get better.
Pain, it affirms your existence.
Don't deny it, embrace it for a chance of growth.

-----------------------
I remember vividly that my mum asked me this question when I was in primary school.
She said, "what kind of dad would you want if I were to remarry?".
I remembered my answer, and I regretted it.
I didn't know where she was heading to with that answer.
I told her, someone like my uncle, but not exactly him.

As I grew older, I realised that their r/s wasn't exactly that of what it should be like.
Newspaper articles relating to my mum was posted by his wife around my void deck.
She wrote threatening notes to her.
Everytime I see things like this happening to her, it pained my heart.
I couldn't understand these bizarre happenings, but she just laughed it off.

I would always stop by my aunt's house everyday for dinner and last time, lunch.
One day, before I was going off to school from my aunt's home, I spotted an artible pasted on the walls.
My home address was on it.
Glancing around quickly, I tore it off from the wall and hurried back to my aunt's home.
I passed it to her.
Being illiterate, she can't read.
But there was no need for words, we all knew full well what was going on.

I hurried to school.
Throughout the whole day, I couldn't get that article out of my head.
When school ended, I headed back to my aunt's house for dinner.
I searched the place for the article. I knew I had to read it.
The contents of the article disturbed me, I didn't know whether I was to believe it.
Finally I succumbed to temptation.
I asked my mum about their r/s, and whether what written in the paper was true.
It said that they hooked up, and my mum cheated him of his money.
She told me to not worry, she said it's all a rumour.
I trusted her.

I trusted her, and then that trust was shattered.
Months later, when my grandaunt came over to visit me from Indonesia, she told me things that I didn't know.
She told me that my mum had invested money in business with him, and even lent him money for his home. His wife however, instead of thanking her, accuses us of oweing them money.
That night, someone came to our place.
I could hear the keys turning, but the door wouldn't open.
He shouted, kicked at the door, banged the door.
It was 1 in the morning.
My mum went to get the door.
He shouted at her, bawled at her, screamed.
Who was this man?
He was my uncle.
My grandaunt hurried out. He silenced when she appeared. He left.

Now, the very same man who I thought to be nice is living in my house.
4 years ago, my mum told us it was a temporary stay.
4 years later, he was still here.
My views about him changed completely.
He's just a hypocrite to me.
He sold my father's property for his own usage.
My mum forgave him, and even provided him with food and shelter.
My trust in my mum shattered completely, I couldn't relate to her- she was a stranger, and she still is.
His behaviour these few years get increasingly worse.
He acts like a thief, invading our privacy, trying to create unhappiness between my mum and my brother.
The only reason why he didn't do that to me was because I had his secrets.
He complains about the food, doesn't help out with the chores, acts like he owns this place when he doesn't contribute even a single dime.

My mum makes me feel like I'm a tool.
She makes me read and unlock his things for her.
I felt like an empty shell.
What was I to her, really?
Her thoughts about me were poor, I could tell.
She said that I was proud and arrogant, rude and stubborn.
He said that I'm a fool, unappreciative and too proud for my own good.

Now he makes dirty jokes in front of me.
He even openly insults my mum and spanks her in front of me.
What was I suppose to do or react to that?
She got mad at me everytime I tried to defend her.
She said that there was no need for that cos' he's joking.
Sexism has never been a joke to me, never.
He acts like a father figure when he's not one.
& If he really was one, would he act in such a manner in front of us, the kids?
Often I wonder if he actually thought and reflected about his actions.
If an egoistic man actually insulted his daughter like he did to me, how would he feel?
If I, as a kid, could understand this full well, why couldn't he, an adult, comprehend that?

My r/s with my mum has come to a point of saturation.
It can't improve anymore.
Losing trust in a parent must be the weirdest sensation one may have.
I don't miss her at all, she becomes like an ATM to me.
I never ever feel home sick, even when I'm away from her for a month.
We can't talk about her r/s with that man, because it would just turn into a big fight.
The previous time we tried talking about it, I gave her the cold shoulder for 2 weeks.
She cracked under the pressure and forced me to speak to her.

I can still remember the conversation.
She told me it wasn't easy to find someone who would look after US.
I looked at her straight in the eye and turned away.
She asked me to speak up, and was about to slap me.
Then I asked her, "Do you really want me to speak?".
Flabbergasted, she left.
We all knew what I wanted to say, I wanted to say that he didn't contribute to this family at all.

I lost my childhood innocence when I was around 11.
I lost my trust in the adults.
There was nothing that the adults could do about the situation even when I confessed to them, nothing.

But through these, I've learnt to see myself and set goals.
I've learnt to cope with the pressure. I've learnt to be myself.
People can say that I am too proud for my own good.
But I embrace pride.
Pride, is different from vainity.
Pride is how you perceive yourself, and vanity is how you want others to look at you.
I'll be frank with myself, pride- I embrace it.

When you feel lost, and have nowhere to go, speak to yourself.
Nobody knows you, better than yourself.
Look into the mirror, what do you see?
Throw out all negative thoughts that you were told.
Despite how ugly people can make you sound, your inner soul will resonate with beauty when you confirm your worth.
You are who you are- there's nothing that can change that.
Be honest about your feelings.

Getting hurt and running away is no big deal, it's a process that you learn and grow from.
It is one from which you gain courage to face your fears.
We are not cowards when we run from our fears.
We're cowards when we don't even want to face them at all.
There is a difference between the two.
For one, you're just waiting for the right time, for you to be mature and be ready.
For the latter, you're just being a pathetic person trying to live with your mask.

Of course, masks are needed.
But it musn't be always worn.
Know when to take it off.
Know when, to stop.
Know your strength.
But also, know your weakness.
Carrying it all, you'll realise that you are a valuable being.
You're perfect, because of your imperfections.

There's always a strand of silver lining even in the darkest sky and clouds.
That's what I believe in, and that's what I know.
When you choose to believe and embrace all of yourself, you'll grow stronger, with each time you fall.
And when the going gets too tough, remember, there's always someone you can listen to.
That someone, is you.
Cos' reaffirming your believes, gives you strength to carry on.
It gives you hope.

Listen,
To you, and yourself,
Always.

----------------------------------------------

Side note: Read the post below this if you haven't, it was written yesterday.

Coming thus far.

2010-12-09T09:39:00.000-08:00

It's about 3 weeks or a month to the release of our results.
I've been thinking about things last night when I realised it.

Honestly speaking,
Though we want to keep in touch,
I'm wondering how many of us really will?
How many of us, will stick to our 'promises'?

This scenerio comes to my head.
(Well of cos it's imagined).
Caged frogs getting released into the wild.
Scientists were trying to see if the frogs can evolve to get use to the killer fungus (chytrid).
At first the pampered frogs refuse to budge,
They cuddled together.
They're afraid.

Then one of the frogs sniffed the air from outside.
It moved towards the outer world.
The rest of the frogs, encouraged, moved out too.
Once outside, the frogs moved freely.
They hopped around, at first in groups.
The scientists put tags on them.
The frogs were found to be close to each other for months.
But to their surprise, they started to move further away from each other, each migrating in its' own preferred directions.
Some died, killed by chytrid, some survived, but they moved so far from its original location, so far from its own frog friends, they evolved into a totally different species.

Ok, let's go back to reality.
Imagine if we're the frogs, chytrid is the temptations of the world and the scientists, our conscious.
Get where I'm heading to?
I've had this experience. Friends who promised to stay in touch.
We actually did, but lost it after 2 years when they found new friends and moved into different directions.
We still talk- of cos' we do. But the fact is we all know that we've changed and some of us refuse to communicate with the rest of the group.
They completely shut the rest out.

All I can ask is,
Are you going to evolve?
I'm gonna stay as the person I am.
I'm gonna make the effort to talk to you.
But if you're gonna shut me out, then sorry, I'm giving up on you.
I'll stick to my promises, but will you?

Let's see how I'm suppose to stay in touch with you ppl.
I'm suppose to meet lw every month, at least once.
Jez and crys, I'm suppose to tweet them every day and spam the life out of them.
& of cos, Jez is my freaking shopping friend and crys' my teebud(hur).
Rach, I'm gonna text her everyday.
Rakel? I don't know. I'm gonna text her and kick her ass when she replies late.
Shan, she's my movie husband. (speaking of which she owes me a ring).
Yuka, I'm going to school with her every mornin' (i'm determined to go NP). D<
Once in a while, we're gonna have a group outing, maybe picnics or sleepovers, we'll see how it goes.

Coming thus far,
All I can say is,
Life goes on, but the friendship shan't fall.
I'll walk the path with you, if you allow me to.

Random blogpost.

2010-12-04T02:23:00.000-08:00

I've been writing letters for ppl next yr, for the day when we officially graduate.
I've been thinking if I should write letters even for the people that I generally don't enjoy being with a lot.
So I went through their blogs, and ah-ha, I was amazed at how much excuses they can come up with for not being liked.
It never fails to amuse me when someone pushes the blame to other ppl and not think about what made their r/s with others go wrong.
Let's go through a few reasons that they come up with for not being liked.

1. I'm too Frank.
Look champion, even when you're frank, you can still get along with ppl.
Look, I'm super damn frank with my friends, but they get where I'm going.
The problem is not with the fact that you're frank, it's the fact that you revealed how shallow of a person you are by judging ppl with such thinking.
Being frank is one thing, being shallow is another- don't mix the 2 up.

2. They've changed.
No, they didn't. More like, they didn't change to bully you.
It's probably because of the way you act that cause them to repel you.
There's always a bottomline to someone's tolerance level.
You can't expect them to be a jolly old sandbag that takes all your punches.
Lemme try that on you, and let's see if you can take it.
If you can't, the same fucking rule applies to everyone else.

3. They don't understand me.
This is as simple as it gets.
They don't understand you, simply because you didn't give them a chance to do so.
R/s are like enzymes.
The freaking "lock and key" hypothesis applies.
Obviously, you, the enzyme, is not giving the substrate a chance because you're so damn denatured.

4. The opp sex understands me better.
No, they don't understand you better.
It's just because you present a diff side of the story to em'.
Don't tell me that you don't do so- that'll be bullcrap.
Cos' you know what? We all do.
When you have so little friends left, you'll want to keep those left.
And in order to do so, you'll obviously tweek the story to make yourself look better, to look like the victim so that they'll sympathize with you and stay with you.
So in conclusion, the opp sex DOESN'T understand you.
They understand the fake you- hallelujah, true friends, huh?

5. Other ppl who aren't biased knows me better than they do.
Same rule applies to what I said in 4.
No, they don't understand you better.
They only see the side of you that you want them to see.
You're afraid- that's all there is to it.
But by doing so, they're not really understanding YOU, are they?
Or wait- sometimes, they may not even be listening to you.

Ok, I can go on and on about this thing, but I guess I really should stop.
Finding excuses constantly won't help you to make true friends dear, that's sad but true.
Make an effort to change the way you behave.
No, it'll not make you unlike you.
It'll just make you into a better you.
After so many years, if you still fail to understand this concept, then sorry, you're gonna be one loner in the end when you realise that there's really no one that you can talk to afterall.

----------------------------------------------

Life update:
Sleepover's done. Fucking awesome. I'm gonna plan one again. Hell yeah.
Took a personality test, it was the same as before, just that I got more introverted, awesome.

It amazes me that I scored higher for math than music.
Wtf, this is so not true, lmao!
Omgwtfbbq- there's an INTJ forum.
http://www.mypersonality.info/personality-types/intj/ < na, read more here.
Jane Austen, C.S lewis (author of chronicles of Narnia), lots of USA presidents and political leaders are INTJs. MR DARCY IS AN INTJ TOO! OH HOTNESS.
Imma joining the fb page. O:

Prom pics

2010-11-26T08:11:00.000-08:00

Captions:

Is this an alien? /checks out.

MARRY ME, YOU ARE AN ALIEN!

Ssh, don't tell shan.

Aww, I have a mistress.

Announcement

2010-11-21T10:19:00.000-08:00

For my next few entries (some of it), it'll be directed to another locked page.
Ask my for the password if you want to read em'.
Though I'm not giving it to everyone.
What's inside?
My story.

Quick update: went to cousin's wedding dinner today, the newly wed were gorgeous. & I saw s-------------- WTF. Lol.

Dream diary;

2010-11-19T05:08:00.000-08:00

Time for me to be a geek again.
Stats, stats!
An average person dreams at least 6 times a night,
But doesn't remember them most of the time.
Recently, I've been having dreams that I can actually remember.
That's why, I was thinking that I should start this thing called a dream diary.
Basically, I'll write a dream that I remember everytime this blog is getting dead.
Please do not attempt to intepret them for me, tyvm, I'm just trying to record down the dreams.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, 1st bizarre dream.
It involves lots of people.
Ok, let's start.

Cast: Jez (Protagonist,lol), Crys, Lw, Rach.
Setting: Concert hall

So I was somehow in the concert hall.
& I found myself having a box of strawberries in my hands.
Beside me was lw, crys and rach.
Specifically speaking, lw was on my right, rach was on my left and crys on my x'treme left.

Somehow, lw was just stoning.
She was glaring at the stage.
So I was curious and turned to see what she was looking at.
& then, I saw Jez on stage.

Lemme describe what she was wearing AND doing.
She was wearing this black skin-tight latex pants (those seen in SM scenes).
Her top was actually just a Black, leathery bikini.
Her nails were painted black (duh).
She was doing those sexy dances you see on tv.
Of cos, she wasn't alone, she was in a group, with other dancers.

Then she begin her performance.
It was weird- they acted like CATS/TIGERS.
They were roaring. O.O
& jez was crawling around on the floor.
Almost like those you see in dance shows.
IT WAS DISTURBING.
Some of the other dancers (including males), were doing those gymnastic postions.

So after the dance, the host came on stage and asked jez if she could also do those positions.
Jez said that she has never tried, but would try.
& then she tried it and she could do it.
She was doing one of those positions with her legs touching the floor infront of her, over her head.
She was so impressed with herself that she started laughing non stop.
Somehow the guys behind her were angry.
Then they went off stage and Jez still continued talking about her stunt.

So I turned my attention back to my sitting partners.
Lw was sms-ing someone.
Rach...somehow was carrying a puppy and a seal and carressing them.
Crys was LEVITATING.
I kinda got freaked out and moved away.
& someone approached me and asked me if he could buy some strawberries from me.
Then of cos, I woke up.

Ok, that's one dream.
Have a good laugh, be disturbed.
& jez, don't kill me- I was disturbed by that image too. :A:
So, until next time, buhbye.

This is what's going on- get that.

2010-11-10T07:38:00.000-08:00

First of all, don't take me as an emo kid.
I am not.
You ought to be shot if you think I am.
& Grammar nazis, stay out.
I may be speaking to diff ppl at diff times, so make it out yourself.
& I may sound like an asshole, all these are my pov.
So get the hell out if you have nothing good to say.
kthxbai.

------------------------------

You'll never understand things unless you get a taste of it.

Yes, I can't agree with the quote even more.
Being humans, we try to understand other people's emotions, we try to make things better (for most).
However, there's this problem, we won't feel for others unless we've been through similar experiences.

The situation now can't be more simple to see.
There're silent fights going on, we're pissed at each other.
Plainly put, some of us strongly dislike her.
I don't, I just get irked by her.
Annoyance causes unhapppiness see?
I don't hate her, I don't strongly dislike her, I just don't like her.

Why?
Reasons are actually rather obvious.
Because I realise many of you haven't detected it till now, I'm going to explain.
I'm not a master of explaination, so if you don't understand, refer to the source of the trouble.

FRIENDS.
What words comes to your mind when you first see that word?
Let me tell you what comes to mine- trust, encouragement, reliability.
The reasons as to why I get pissed with ppl usually come from these 3.

Being friends, trust,encouragement,reliability is important.
Trust is the only way a friendship lasts.
Encouragement gives you the motivation to mantain a friendship.
Reliability comes from the encouragement and trust you have.

First thing first, you have to realise that these 3 things work together in sync.
Without trust, there won't be encouragement.
Without encouragement, there's no reliability & responsibility.
Reliability and responsibility once again links back to trust.
See a cycle ? Link it to what's going on right now.
If you still don't, let me break it down for you.
Have you ever seen or heard what awful things she said about ppl?

Let's see- she totally put her friends down.
She insulted LW and Rach's abilities without considering about their feelings.
The fundamental fact about friendship in females (I'm sure you know that), is the fact that every female admitted into a group is treated as an individual, and thought to be an equal.

Putting down other ppl's abilities to show that you're good ISN'T COOL.
More importantly, overseeing the fact that you were the one who taught them the wrong thing, or that they were the ones who tried to help you with studies and all just shows that you're unappreciative!
Were you there when LW said "F---" super loud in class because she taught LW the wrong thing and insist that LW was the nutcase who got her info wrong?
If you did, you would have realised that LW have been putting up with her for a long time.
We're humans, we have emotions.
There's a limit as to how much we can tolerate- we can't always keep our cool, that's a fact.
Another thing- from what I know, she insulted rach and then went to her house for some kind of study group acting like nothing's wrong.
Weird?
Weird is good- but not that kind of weird.
Trust is gone.

Let's see, next thing on the list? Encouragement.
From what I see and understand, encouragement is when someone tells you that you can do it, or asks you to persevere on because they believe in you.
It's distasteful to know that your encouragements are trampled on like it's a worthless piece of trash.
I don't always keep up with the "trends", but one thing i know for sure is that she doesn't take our advices and encouragements for what it really is.
Look, advices/encouragements aren't what she interprets in to be, what we really mean is to ensure that she pushes through, but she took it the other way.

Moving on to the next point on encouragement.
Let me first ask you a question- is it encouraging to know that your friend thinks that you're worthless/stupid compared to her?
Ha, in the first place, what kind of friend does that?
Let's see, in sec2, she claimed that she was the only one who could get into an A class.
Don't remind me the ppl change, I know that.
But apparently she hasn't changed!
From what I know, she was insensitive enough to just reveal LW's results to her.
Furthermore, she talked insulted rach's chem abilities and...talked about chinese in a manner that I won't want to reveal.
In other words, encouragement is done for.

Let's move on to responsibility and reliability.
Friends are suppose to be there when you're in need right?
Seems to me that she lacks the ability.
Let's see... when ____ was sick, she was supposedly her best friend at that point in time.
However she made no attempts to collect her work for her, AT ALL.
She even needed LW to probe her, like "you're her friend, isn't it?", before she took 1 damn piece of worksheet.
HOW RELIABLE!

Responsibilty.
Here I'm referring to responsibility of words.
Please be fucking accurate in judging ppl.
Saying that someone "Used" to be nice seem to be more than inappropriate to me.
The reason why she "used" to be nice to you is simply because you have stepped on her tail.
The same person is still nice, just that she have lost faith in you, don't make her sound like the bad guy here when the root of the problem starts with you.
Please be responsible at least and stop trying to make the situation seem like someone else's fault or shift some blame to her.

When one wants to judge, at least she must have some kind of social skills.
That means that you're able to converse with most ppl, work with ppl you dislike and such.
If you want others to empathize with you, learn to feel for others first.
It's a cycle.
Don't expect others to just give in to you, learn to at least appreciate their efforts.

I know that she's trying to enter the group once again when she last tried.
I know.
We know.
We all do.
The problem is that she still doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut.
There is a time and place for everything.
Arguements about facts are just stupid and irritating to the core.
It's a fact- why the fuck are you argueing on that?!

Once bitten, twice shy.
Ppl having put through her insults are not likely to trust her again.
In fact, they are more easily irritated.
That's why the more she attempts yet not shut her mouth, the worse the situation gets.

Words are like razors.
They can cut into others' hearts.
I may not be the one who's betrayed or backstabbed, so I can't describe things in full.
One thing is for sure- I feel angry for my friends, those who were wrongly accused.

I know that they can achieve so much more and sometimes they doubt themselves, but I've always tried to assure them that they can do it.
It pains my heart to know that another friend of ours', who's suppose to be sensitive and appreciative, is telling them otherwise, putting them down.
For what reason, I will not know, cos' I've never insulted someone's studying abilities when they work hard for it.
What I'm guessing is that it's for self satisfaction.

Why am I writing this post?
For my own selfish reasons- I need to rant.
I can't believe that my personality has been doubted.
It's unintentional, yes. I know it. I get where you're coming from.

But it's incredibly hurtful to know that you were thought to be who's uncivilized.
& here you are thinking that you've been trying to keep your cool.
I thought I was good enough to not show my frustrations as much.
Ask any of my guy friends- I usually scold them or expressed my anger directly, in their face.
I've only held back cos' you guys are girls, and I thought that I should give ppl more chances.
I thought I did a good job- I even managed to persuade ppl to let her stay on in the prom table cos' I knew that she had nowhere to turn to.
That's as much as I can do, as far as I can go- I am annoyed too, but I tried to contain it.

Now I'm doubting my abilities to pull this off.
How is prom gonna pull through this bullcrap?
I've come to a point that I've given up on believing in her, believing in my logic.
You know what? I'm gonna treat her like an invisible being just to keep on being civil.
Because the moment I look or talk to her, I know that I'm gonna roll my eyes and resist scolding her.
I'm not going to care.
I'm losing faith.

All I know is that she's going to go out of my life,
But the rest of you are staying.
I don't want our friendship to go sour over her, and like some tolerant saint in our group said, "It's not worth getting angry over her".

Of all ppl, you (I hope you know I'm talking to you), ought to know that we appreciate your efforts to mantain the peace.
But see, it's too late.
The mirror has shattered into pieces- you can't mend it anymore, you'll still see a crack in it even if you managed to.
I'm so incredibly angst now that I feel like crying.
I know you don't mean it, and ppl keep telling me to ignore what you said, but I'm still in shock.
I'll get over it, before prom comes, cos' that day will be almost perfect- i'll ignore her. I will.
But don't try to pull the group together, it won't work.
I'm not making sense, I know it.
But the game's over, it's time you see it.

Ps: I just got a flashback. In actual fact, she did put me down lots of times. During dance, she told me to not be too slow, but it ended up as me guiding her. And she put me down about certain subs too- thanks man, just thanks. I'm gonna erase these memories of you from my brain. /deletes stuff.

Whip my hair.

2010-11-08T01:29:00.000-08:00

I WHIP MY HAIR BACK & FORTH YA'LL!

I realise that next Monday would be my last paper.
WOOHOOO.
Things to do after Os', I realise that I have quite a lot to do.

1) Shopping for prom stuff + clothes
2) Clear out my school books (I'll take a pic of how much there is, lol)
3) My bookshelf, I need to clear it.
4) SPRING CLEAN MY ROOM. (it's super messy now, wtf. D< )
5) Get my brother to clean his freaking bag
6) Fix my bag
7) Make b'day presents ( So sorry, I've been lazy. D: )
8) Read magazines with Yuka
9) Choose my courses for next yr (provided that I did ok)
10) Plan for sleepover
11) ..... it's private, O:
12) Get my social life back.
13) Get a job?

That's all for now.
I realize that lots of things on my list are related to cleaning up.
Apparently some of you guys think I have OCD, no ppl, I don't.
My mum keeps telling me that I'm messy.
& crys, if you see this, don't tell me my room is neater than yours'.

O lvls' screwing with my mind.
Srsly, I've been taking big big risks for this exam.
I'm just hoping that the risks doesn't go wrong.
Mum told me that a guy at her shop cried cos' he scored 12 for L1R4/5?
& I'm honestly praying that I won't be that person.
Take pity on me, the angst teen, good lord. LOL.
I want to create a playlist on my phone called "teenage angst"- but I don't have the right songs.
I whip my hair back & forth, I hope that saves me & annoys you. 8D

2010-10-29T03:29:00.000-07:00

I'm currently worried about the papers.
Srsly, I fucked up. Big time.
& ppl, sleep over after Os' at Crys' place anybody? 8)

First, we'll go plane watching at airport and take lots of photos.
Then go shop for ingredients.
Go to her house and cook your own dinner.
Horror movie marathon.

Any ideas to contribute?
Talk in tagbox Yo.

Lengthy post

2010-10-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

An idea is like a ghost,
It never gets to you till you speak to it.

You know, recently I've been thinking and talking about lots of things to 2 particular person.
I guess they're the only two that I feel like talking serious stuff to.

Next week is the last week for me in PL.
I don't feel sad or anything, just nostalgia.
I'll miss the ppl, but I know I'll try and hold on to them.
It's the uncertainty ahead that worries me.
I've been thinking way too much for my own good, so much so that I'm losing focus and control.
OCD OCD OCD, you ppl say I have it.
So that explains the mounting uneasiness.

10 years in the PL family.
Yes, I shall use that word for once in my whole life. (achievement much, yay).
I've never been very very happy in this entire 10 years.
There was pain and shame, yes, there was.
But I won't deny the times of happiness that I have spent with my friends either.

Even though I don't tell them everything about my life,
Or sometimes I piss them off very badly,
Or when I give them the cold shoulder,
I'll never hesitate to let them know that I'm not happy, mostly.

Ok, you must be thinking,
" Now what the fuck are you talking about?".
Let me explain.
I don't talk to you, unless I want to talk to and feel like talking to you.
& I don't show you how I feel, unless I think you deserve to know how I feel.
I can easily put on a mask in front of you, it's no problem.
But because I see you as a friend, I want you to know, because I care,
Because I want to connect with you.

I want to keep this friendship.
Let's mantain it.
Cos' it's easy to break something, it's fragile- but it's because it's fragile that's why ppl bother.
I'm a coward for hiding away feelings, or just not feeling anything.
But I thought I should just tell you guys what I think about you, what makes me think about you, and why I want to mantain my friendship with you.
If I sound like a bitch, then sorry.
Oh &, this is only to ppl who I talk to rather alot.
So yeah.
& don't ask about certain things.

To Crys:

We first met in P1, you were the only one in school who didn't cut your long hair.
I thought you were fun. It turned out you were, and you still are.
Things changed when we were in P6.
I'm sorry for the way things turned out- you were mad at me, and I was also angry at you.
The thing is, it's troubling to see the way you were treated.
You deserved better.
It was my fault for what you went through. So I apologise for that.
You taught me not to judge, so I guess that's the reason why I can talk to anyone about anything. Thank you for that.

When I look at balloons, I think of you.
Balloons are happy things- they're always floating. You seem happy now, and I hope it stays the same. Other than that, I always remembered what you wrote on LW's balloon. It makes me laugh, everytime I look at it.

We've known each other for years, I've even lost count.
You're such an optimistic person, it's fun to hang out with you.
You're different from most people, you're open to stuff.
Sometimes you make me pissed, but I get where you're coming from.
So I want to mantain this friendship, because I've known you for years, and I want to continue knowing you.
YOU'RE COOL~

LW:

You had the FML look on your face when I first saw you.
But you turned out really friendly.
You're the few rare person that I don't really get mad at.
I know that there are times when you get pissed at me- I can sense it.
But because I'm the kind of person who tends to hide my feelings, I can't do anything.
You're one of the 2 that I talk to srsly, because you listen to me without judging too much.

When I look at math homework,
I'll think about you.
Cos' you're one of those rare people that are SUPER hardworking.
You're srs motivation dood. :)

I want to mantain this friendship because, YOU'RE THOSE RARE FEW THAT MOTIVATES AND LISTEN. SO YOU'RE AWESOME. :3
We've promised to stay in touch next yr by meeting up each month.
Keep your promise!

To jess:

You're those super loyal friends.
I remember that you misunderstood me in sec1, and scolded me.
I was SOOOO pissed at you.
But then I realised that you're actually really friendly.

You remind me of carrot.
Because your email says so.
& you're super lengthy.
You mouldy carrot. :D

I want to mantain this friendship, because you're a super fun shopping buddy.
You're also always on twitter,
It's easy to communicate with you yo.
& you're super fun to talk to. You rock.

To Shan:

You, I don't know how we begin to talk so much.
but your house is super fun to be in.
You're super fun to watch movies with,
You're super fun to disturb.
I LOVE TO DISTURB YOU.
I'LL DISTURB YOU EVEN AFTER WE GRADUATE. :D

When I look at you,
I think of movies.
Like duh, you're my MOVIE BUDDY.
The most awesome of them all.
I really appreciate you cos' you turned down your date for me. /so touched. :3

This friendship, should continue.
Because you're my jie in our family tree remember?
I'll jio you for movies next year also.
I'll stay single for you! /just kidding. LMAO.

To rach:

We used to always play in Pri school.
You were...short. And you still are.
But don't worry, you're special cos' of that, lol!
Your laughter is FUNNY.
& that's what I distinctively think of when I see you.

You remind me of chocolates.
Cos' you always tell me, "my house have lots of extra chocs, you want?".
Yes rach, of cos I want them.
WHY HAVEN'T YOU PASSED THEM TO ME?
/i just suddenly remember that i haven't ate the choc lw gave me.

Let's continue this friendship,
Cos you're one of the most ~~brainless~~ random person that I know.
You entertain me when I'm bored, you pup seal~

To rakel:

I'm sorry, I had to choose this color cos you're in ARCHER. bleh. D<
Anyways, you looked like you were bored when I first talked to you.
& you still look bored now.
I think you're a super tolerant person, I'm amazed at how tolerant you are.
But I srsly want you to explode once in a while.
DO IT RAKEL, DO IT.

You remind me of...wigs.
Cos you always tell me "I'm going to go collect my wig.".
...You wig collector.
Thanks for keeping my wig for me also! :)

Let's mantain this friendship cos you're the ultimate stoner.
We'll stone together.
& I CAN COMPLAIN TO YOU.
AWESOME MUCH? Don't worry, You can complain to me too. I don't mind~

Yuka:

You, somehow we got along.
We talk alot- I talk to you about srs things alot.
Because you give 2 perspectives, I really like that about you.
Let's continue with the srs talks! :)

You remind me of yukatas.
I guess it's because of your name.
Let's visit Japan someday, I'll disturb you till you die.
I'm so going into NP, I'll give you no peace!

Let's mantain this frienship cos, you're simply the kind of friends that are there for ppl to keep.
You always say that ppl move on, and leave others behing,
But this time, we'll move on together~
We're all in this together.
You're uncertain, I'm uncertain, We'll talk stuff out, and solve problems.
/pinch your fats. :3

So peeps, that's all I got to say.
Let's work hard for our last lap, jy us!
ILY GUYS! :3

Talk to my hand prz.

2010-09-12T04:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, I don't know if I've done this post before,
But whatever, I'm still going to do it.
Insomnia last night made me have the sudden motivation to blog.
Cos' it gave me time to think.
~~Lately I haven't been talking to myself, which is mad saddening for myself. boo.~~

Anyways, gonna rant first - I wanted to talk about this weeks ago.
So you see someone performing on stage, dancing, and you, the noob who can't dance, criticizes the ppl on stage.

Uhm, EXCUSE ME?
What the hell gave you the idea that you have the rights to criticize that person?
I mean, yes, their dance moves may not be perfect, they may not be following the supposed moves of the song,
But isn't that alright because it's a DANCE?
Don't give me the bullcrap and tell me that anyone can learn and perfect it by learning it on youtube.
If you're that ~~fucking~~ awesome, ~~fucking~~ master it and show me your moves.

If you can't, and I know you can't (because you can't even be compared to them in terms of attitude and yes, your body) , don't be so ~~fucking~~ obnoxious.

Like srsly, what's your damn problem?
DANCE- it's a sport of enjoyment.
Why do ppl pick it up?
Cos' it's almost like an expression of freedom, and you can improvise it.
Like, wtf, what made you think that the dancers must follow the supposed dance moves that come along with a song?
It's like me telling you, HEY, YOU'RE IN THAT CLIQUE WITH GUYS IN IT, SO YOU MUST TURN INTO A GUY.

I don't understand why you're so critical of EVERYTHING and ANYTHING you see.
Can't you be more encouraging?
& srsly, I'm not telling you to underestimate yourself,
But don't overestimate your abilities.
What's different between you and em' even if you master the moves?
IMHO, everything.
They don't have your snobbish attitude, & they definitely should be encouraged for having the courage to go up on stage and perform despite knowing that there are ppl like you.
The way you act sometimes remind me of Aunt A.

GROW UP. Why not give em' a hand? Who knows, you probably need one one day.

Moving on.
Thinking time with the person who was suffering from Insomnia.
I had so much thoughts going on in my mind yesterday that I can't possibly pen them down.
If I say thoughts, they're more like worries and doubts.

Yesterday fights went on in the house again.
I know, it's common.
But I can't stand the fucktard who thinks he's the father figure when he ain't.
I mean- obviously. When we fight with you, it's because you, have stepped pass your boundaries.
I can't even stand the sight of him nowadays, what to do? -_-

I think my mum changed my thoughts about love.
I think there was a time when I believed that someone can actually survive on love.
But somehow, along the way, this belief vanished into thin air.
My mum says that I'm too realistic now.
Well, she was the one who puts that thought into my mind.

I'm not saying that there isn't love,
I'm saying that there is.
But I don't believe that I will survive on it.
On contrary, I believe that I'll do so much better without it.
It's this thing in my head- most guys want your money, if not your body.

Sometimes I think that ppl will probably end up marrying that guy that's like your best friend.
Cos' honestly, you just need someone who understands you, no?
The idea of love seems far-fetched to me.
It's either you get it, lose it, and fear it or.
You gain it, have it, but fear losing it.
The latter results in some ppl being selfish and not considering other ppl's feelings- check out my mum.

I don't think she knows that she has made such an influence on me.
& I don't hope for her to know.
But I think this system of belief is so strong that I kinda go -___- everytime I see a despo.
Srsly, wtf- I think ppl can do better than that.
It's an irony- you think it exists, but at the same time you think it doesn't.
This complicated feeling srsly sucks.

Then the other thing is about future career and O lvls and such stuff.
I'm just not sure what's going to happen.
Motivation seems to be running out.
Now how?
& because I LOVE to think when I'm having insomnia,
The more I think, the more worried I get.

I have even thought till UNIVERSITY.
LOL.
& I even had this vision of having my own flat somewhere far from Singapore.
It's weird, but meh.
I think it won't happen cos' I want to support my mum.
But it's awful when I see that fucktard.
& I certainly don't want my future salary to be spent on him.
~~IMHO, He should just fuck off and die.~~
My mum believes that I won't support her next time, but I know I will.
That's why it's frustrating- like, why do you think I look like I don't want to support you?
Well, it's because of that fucktard beside you,
I may sound evil but I hope he _____ before I earn.
YES. PLS ______.

& there's another about my health.
But cos' it's personal, I don't want to talk about it.

Ok la, incompleted work waiting for me.
And also, nom nom time.
I think I'll blog again when I get the motivation.
LATA.

..lack motivation.

2010-09-11T09:01:00.001-07:00

What if I cut this hairstyle after Os'? O:

Lately I've been thinking that I'm feeling disgusted by certain subjects.

And the best part is I don't know why.

Twitter seems to be the new MSN for me.

Ppl, talk to me there. I'll like that. ;_;

I have no motivation to update the blog.

OR DO THE DAMN HW.

~~FUCK THAT PILE OF SHIT HW THAT COMES TO US ALL AT ONCE.~~

Anyways, CHECK THIS VID OUT.

Damn awesome. -_-

I'm becoming very vulgar, wtdo?
School, it's taking it's toll on me. :I

Shop?

2010-09-01T05:43:00.000-07:00

Went out with Meng Jin today to get stuff.
Stuff, referring to her lomo cam.
IT WAS COOL LA.
But the shop doesn't accept nets, made me walk such a long dist. nb.

Shit, I'm turning more vulgur.
I'm super tired now.
Will post pics of stuff tmr or something.
JY PHYSICS PPL. :}

Fatality.

2010-08-01T07:23:00.000-07:00

Http://www.anime-link.com/artbooks/

Fatal attraction is fatal.
I'm attracted to artbooks, save my soul.

1) parakiss -85 bucks
2) nana- 40 bucks
3) trinity blood- 100 bucks
4) ff
5) kuroshitsuji
6) durarara
7) hetalia

And the list goes on.
Wtfbbq-worthy.
Well done me, well done.
The parakiss one- it has left me languishing in pain.
I think it's oos now.
I CAN'T EVEN WAIT TILL XMAS TO REQUEST FOR IT, DAMN.

Long naggy post.

2010-08-01T00:17:00.000-07:00

Yoho world.
I've finally decided to do a blogpost.
Typing on iPhone to blog really isn't much fun, it's actually quite tiring.
Anyway, life has been pretty normal, but I shall be naggy anyway.
And of cos, I'm amused by some happenings as usual.

Let's see, prelims are coming soon.
Next week in fact.
And the strangest thing is, I'm lacking motivation.
Is it because I know that it's a killer?
I don't know.
But it just doesn't seem right that I'm not feeling very stress.

And somehow I want O levels to come.
I want it out of my life asap.
It helped me discover that I don't like being tied down to something.
Which probably explains why I want to go to a poly.
I'm sick of living like a mechanized robot.

I can't possibly endure years of this.
Life, it's short.
I want to enjoy it while I still can.
I want to feel the breeze of the wind and just spend hours staring into green spaces.
Isn't it weird when I'm realistic
I still seek joy in what I do.
And that's why I'm trying my best to enjoy studying, and even enjoy doing math.

Ppl tell me that I'm too straightforward, taking up too much challenges and risks.
Is it true? I don't know.
All i know is that I need to live my life to the fullest.
If I fall, stumble, get crushed, I will get up.
I'll follow my heart, just for a while, before I return to my senses.

Ok, moving on.
I'm getting worried recently, dpa doesn't seem to be working out.
It may sound weird to you but, dpa- I do it so that I won't be tied down to my image.
Somehow my other family members think that I'll only succeed if I follow the path set by them.
But that path, it's full of unhappiness. So unhappy, but it's as safe as it can be.
I want to enjoy my youth.
Follow my passion, yet prove to them that I can do well too, without rigidly following the path set by them.
Doesn't it remind you of the poem "the path not taken"?
Hah.

Cosplaying, it's slowing down for now.
But I'm still doing it anyway.
New muses continue to seek me out, but I'll just hang on to them for now.
Leave them for next year, I'll see how.

Amusing things happen in the cosplay world.
Especially ppl who are
1) stalkers
2) newbies
3) thinking of joining

3 amuses me constantly. Especially ppl around me.
If you're serious about doing it, show me.
At least know what you can and can't do.
That's the basis of doing a good cosplay.
Yes, go wtfbbq- but that's the truth.
And frankly speaking, you need some kind of connection in this world.
Either that, or stun everyone.
Then it'll come to you naturally.

I've been brainstorming about jobs recently.
What jobs I'll get when I go poly,
And what job to get after Os'.
I came up with a to do list after Os'.

1) cosplay (to my heart's content, yez, I know some of you can't stand me)
2) get a job
3) learn bass
4) learn to sew
5) photoshopping skills much
6) makeupppppp skills
7) travel
8) study for poly
9) get ready for prom
10) get artbooks!!!!!

Ok. Those have no time limit.
I'll just work with my capabilities and widen my horizons slowly.
Slowly but surely, we'll get there.

Dead.

2010-07-20T01:21:00.000-07:00

Omg. Long time no blog.
This is turning into a dead blog. On hiatus much?
Anyways, I managed to convince you ppl to go for prom!
IM SO PROUD OF MYSELF.

And let's hope that Rakel will be wearing her dress.
Omg, lol, WINZZZZ.
New cosplay plans- I'm totally gaga over them.
I shall update when I'm free again.
Now I'm off to fin up tkam, bb.:/

Answer.

2010-06-19T10:11:00.001-07:00

There she laid crying, in the silence of the night. Her iPod was still playing.

"Drown out your mind"- the lyrics to the song seemed to describe exactly how she felt at that moment. Why is it, that she always seem to cry when she's all alone, without any sound? She doesn't have that answer to the seemingly simple question, and she's still searching for an answer.

It's all so strange and peculiar to her. Why?
Why?
Secretly, she thinks that she already knows the answer.
She's tired of acting in front of the world.
It's all so easy- to put on that fake yet assuring smile.
It's okay, since everyone needs that.
It's okay.
Nobody seem to read through it- or they didn't mind.

She's weary of all these.
Yet, the show must go on.
Of course, bounded to the contract, the lead actress, surely must continue with her stunning performance.
Oh, see how much the crowd loves her!
They sing praises to her name, they bow down to her.

Yes, she's the icon of self indulgence.
Just what they all need.
There is no black and white in her world.
Only grey.
What is black and what is white?
She can no longer tell.

If you insist on having her classify things into black and white,
She'll still be torn between the 2 simple choices.
Why?
Of course, she knows it all too well.
It's positive that there will be a bit of black in white,
And a bit of white in black.
Grey- that's the perfect colour to classify everything.
That's what she ultimately believes in.

"And it breaks my heart"

Then, the answer to her question struck her.
How silly could she be? It was so evident.
The reason as to why she was crying...
Ain't it obvious?
It was because she could hear the shattering of her heart in the silence of the lonely night.
Her heart broke into a million pieces, yet nobody noticed.
Nobody cared.

It's a process all must go through,
But I walk this path in solitude.
The sleeping pills took effect.

Seems like roller coasters are not his things too.

2010-06-06T22:36:00.000-07:00

Another one for entertainment.
KAME IS EPIC. LOLS.

Maybe I should go on roller coasters one day to see how I'll react.

Roller coasters- not my thing.

2010-06-06T02:48:00.001-07:00

I will be like the one in front. I SWEAR.

Wut.

2010-05-31T06:47:00.000-07:00

And now we all know why Twilight is POP-PU-LAHHHH!

& I just saw a vid of Justin Barbie walking into a glass door.

NYAHA.

2010-05-24T06:29:00.000-07:00

Yes, at least my class and level positioning wasn't that bad.
I be happehz.

You're so good at ranting,
You're obvious.
& you don't realise that you also, have those qualities. :D

Results are back- die.

2010-05-21T09:20:00.001-07:00

& guu says hello. That's actually how my face looks like now.

So what now?

Results are bad. Fantastic L1R5- 21, with normal chi counted in.

No wait, I studied, and this is what I get.

I srsly need to brush up on my damn answering techniques.

Reading manga doesn't help to lighten the mood.

How the fu-k do I break the news to my mum?

I told her that I failed e.maths and she practically killed me with her nag.

If I told her that I failed chem and a.math by 2-3 marks,

She'll probably give me the death roll.

Yes, I said death roll.

The roll crocs and allis do before they kill their damn prey.

I'm so going to be the next one on her list.

Where's the positive affirmation ppl?

POSITIVE AFFIRMATION- I'm sure it's in all parenting classes.

Why is it then, that it is only practiced in countries like America and Japan.

Like damn, they celebrate even for minor things like, getting into a high school.

Which is pretty common- I mean, you ARE suppose to get into high school to survive.

& no, don't think of migrating.

Cos your parents will still be your parents,

They'll still be stuck there with you.

I don't get why parents just can't see the good in their kids.

So tell me, is it true that as you grow older, you become more pessimistic?

Take for example,

If I give you a piece of paper with a black dot on it.

What will you see?

The dot.

Yes, that small black dot is our flaw, the rest of the paper, things that we're good at.

But why is it that we choose to focus on the bad things?

Yes yes, we need improvement, that I agree.

However, staring at that dot and ignoring the rest of the good is just...annoying.

Plain annoying.

Fu-k you. How would you feel if I said that you fail as a parent just because you can't cook or something?

....

What the hell is this post turning into?

I have no idea.

Work harder Fang, work harder.

Cos' you suck big time.

It's over.

2010-05-13T05:32:00.000-07:00

IT'S OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And now it's time to chiong props. :/

Short update.

2010-04-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

Haven't done much for MYE revision, otl.
Looking forward to the bedok resevoir run somehow. xD
Anyway, placed the art pieces outside the concert hall till 7.15 today for the heARTbeat concert, otl.
Had napfa, did pretty ok with only...1 practice for shuttle run and situps.
Let's hope I don't get muscle aches tmr, lol.

Interesting conversation in school today.

Me: /carrying 2 eisels
Seniors: DON'T CARRY 2! JUST CARRY 1! OR YOU CAN JUST HOLD THE ART PIECES!
Me: Why?! -.-
Seniors: COS YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR ARM WILL BREAK. DON'T CARRY. DON'T!

& subsequently, they all helped me with the eisel carrying.
Maybe being skinny is a weapon, lmao.
I'll verify it soon, one day. Just you wait.

Pictures~

2010-03-27T00:10:00.000-07:00

Full of pictures!

Encouragement day-

Flowers by the window~

Malacca trip:

This is obviously editted. The creation of JL and me. xD

& here's JL trying to shun from my cam.

Signboard and cable lines (?).

JL missed like..damn alot of times trying to capture these lines.

JL with shades. LOL.

Midyrs are coming and I haven't started studying. DIE. D:

I have no idea what to blog about really.

& I have to do the stupid Commonwealth essay with no muse around.

GAH.

/rots.

Diff between male and female brains.

2010-03-08T05:26:00.000-08:00

That does it. It tells us, 90% of the boxs are filled with sex.

Now, APPLAUD.O:

Watch it.

2010-03-08T00:19:00.000-08:00

I dare you to watch it with your mum around. 8D
& I scalded my hand. D<

Revival.

2010-03-06T02:52:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I thought it was time to revive the dead blog.

Yesterday was shit-learning day, it wasn't fun at all.

Anyways, I went to watch alice in wonderland today! :D

It was nice, but I don't think Alice was really that pretty though.

I loved the mad hatter, he's epic! 8D

& once again, shan was late<>

Anyways, this term was a good term for me.

I only failed chemistry! WOOLALA! O:

& I have an urge to cosplay lots of stuff next yr.

One more month down to O levels, here I come.

PS: Gather roses of SCREW, don't watch it if your parents are around, I swear.

Are you bz~

2010-02-09T23:35:00.000-08:00

Recently, our words have become a little too sad.

SCREW THIS.
I screwed up lit test.
Screwed up Bio spa.
Screwed up everything so far.
So now I'm getting heart no kuni no alice from Night to chill myself.
Take a chill pill bro, take a chill pill.

Tmr's gonna be a busy day.
Today also.
Life's like that.
I think I'm getting used to it.

Hi, I'm a bot.

2010-02-03T05:34:00.000-08:00

Great day, good sir and kind madame,

Thanks for using the "Madsbot" system.

My name is "rock", and I will be helping you with your mathematics.

First of all,

That's why you need my help,

And that's why you bought me.

~~Cos you're obviously one of those dimwits~~ .

Let's review your answers from the pass..

And now sir/ Madame,

Here are some examples to help you with your work.

Analogies.

So now, I conclude:

IF YOU STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU'RE HOPELESS!

Good luck to you, Mister and mistress, who lives under the rock!

God bless, amen!

Ps: pics taken from google~

I live under a rock, hallelujah.

Camp!

2010-01-30T03:07:00.001-08:00

Yosh. Back from camp.
Overall, the camp was fun.
But it wasn't the type of camp that will cause you to 'linger' on.
Anyways, Yuka left the camp today cos of her fever.
& there were so many ponners!

Basically, camp was...

1st day:
Talk>lunch>another talk>check in>bathe>dinner>teamup! (game)>squeezing game>sleep.

2nd day:
Breakfast> went to sentosa> performance challenge> lunch> sand challenge> debrief.

Ok, so here are the good and bad pts of the camp.

Good pts:

1. Sufficient space for sleeping?
2. Food was ok.
3. Some games were quite fun.

Bad pts:

1. The squeezing game was shit. Many 'victims' were involved.
2. Some instructors were quite rough? Resulting in the above consequences.
3. Teamup= string up. Was fun, but, wasn't a good experience to be tied up.
4. MADE ME TAN. LIKE FFFF.
5. Eating place for day 2 was shit.
6. Deborah pry-ed open the door while I was bathing, FULLY NAKED. Almost zao geng la. D<

Anyways, I'm too tired to do anymore update.
/flies off.

Talking to my mirror.

2010-01-22T22:13:00.000-08:00

I know you probably think I'm mad.
but you know what? I think that JC's not the only way to uni.
It's not.
Neither is it to success.

Look at the amt of 'bachelors' on the street, jobless.
Then tell me, are you sure, very sure, that you won't end up like them?
Polys' are on the uprise.
If you are able to excel and have fun in poly, why rot in JC?

I have a feeling that I'll end up going to some other place to work,
Some other place to study, some other place to have my own fun.
Just look into your heart, and you'll find the answer.
It's stupid for you to want to achieve something you can't,
Or enjoy something you don't have passion for.

True, local Uni is harder for you to get in if you're in poly.
But heck, are you fucking sure that you'll get into a local uni from JC?
& wait, are you sure that you even WANT to study in a local uni?
Poly students can just study overseas for the course they want you know.
Cos local unis may not have the course that they want.

Think about it. Srsly.
You suck. Bloody loser.
Don't just listen to other ppl.
Just look at yourself and see what you really want.

人云亦云，随波逐流，不是每次都行得通的。
都说了，行行出状元，难道你就那么确定自己不会放弃吗？
So go fuck your stupid thoughts if you're so retarded.

Phrase of the week.

2010-01-22T22:01:00.000-08:00

Sheesh, I'm blogging lesser and lesser.
Have you heard kesha's blahblahblah? xD
Anyways, I screwed up chem, big time.
& for the pass few days I don't have enough sleep.
So sorry if i'm not making sense.

In any case.I'm still trying to find my damn USB.
Bought shoes today! :3
Tuition officially starts tmr, kinda fear it now.
I mean, srsly. The teacher will prolly go mad teaching me. o.o;;

Let's fangirl over Yuegene.
& kaya. & whoever.

Anyways, I only signed in to post this!
Phrase of the week: SPREAD KAYS ON THE TOAST.
You got to love Night ppl, she came up with it. Win, pure win.
I <3 her! xD

Grr, CTs smacked right in the middle of CNY period.
& best part, valentines also.
SRSLY. I'M NOT ABSORBING THIS.
& I'm not immersing myself in misery either.

My mum thinks that I think about money too much.
Maybe I am.
& I'm a part-time hbb.
YAYS.
Rotting brain is rotting. JA.

boom de ya da

2010-01-17T03:49:00.000-08:00

I forgot the lyrics to the song.

So I guess I'll post it up again. o.o

update!

2010-01-13T03:32:00.000-08:00

OMG. My keyboard's FINALLY fixed people.
After so damn long.
I'm not used to typing on this keyboard though.

Anyways, I was totally staring at the bassist during chapel today.
No, not at him, but at his bass.
It's so sexyyyy!
Have I ever mentioned to you that I'm a sucker for pure white or black basses?

& currently, I'm thinking of how I can finish my a.maths hw.
Honestly speaking, I have no idea how to do the hw.
And like, there's this bloody sec1 girl annoying me.
She's like asking about my class, my cca position, my age.
SRSLY, I feel like she lack a brain.

How can you just get access to the sec1's hp number without having a position?
And how can you be the president if you're not the senior of the school?
I think I have something against the sec1s now. -.-

Anyways, planned to have a study session with lw today,
But the study session failed.
Let me tell you why- I was too distracted.
I was feeling too sleepy.

& the best part was, LW was entertaining me with all her weird habits.
First, she needs her blue motivational fake flower there in order for her to study.
Second, she need to make weird noises.
Third, she needs to talk to herself.
Fourth, her expression was epic.
I guess we all know that she has a 'SUPER STRESSED' look on her face when she's studying.

I'll show you guys the photos when I bother to upload photos on my blog.
Anyways, I have came up with a list of stuff I want to make for ppl on valentines.
& I requested for Hui Shan to give me a sunflower!
Cos you know what? I end up gobbling the chocs up in 1 min. ._.

So conclusion,
PPL, PLS GIMME MORE FLOWERS/BALLOONS/INEDIBLE STUFF.
Cos I can already imagine myself with melty chocolates/ chocolate wrappers.

3in1 post.

2010-01-02T11:03:00.000-08:00

Though it's late,
HAPPY NEW YR EVERYONE! & MERRY X'MAS!
I'm sorry, I just wasn't in the mood to update.

----

You know, I can't remember my new yr resolutions for the yr 2009.
It's slowly getting to me.
I'm finally sec4, & this is the year that I've been waiting for.
But it's weird, cos it scares me, & somehow, makes me feel sad.

The road ahead is full of uncertainty,
It makes one insecure.
Can I make the most out of this new yr?
I'm still wondering.

Life isn't perfect, we all know that.
But when it comes to certain matters,
You just forcefully want it to be.
& because it's hard, it makes you want to cry.

Cry for the moments you're unsure of.
Cry for the moments you've regretted.
Cry for the moments of pain and shame.
Cry for the moments when you're paranoid.

But in a corner of my heart, I'm sure,
That there's a little voice calling out to me,
Waiting for me to keep my promises.

"Go for it."

It's crisp and clear.
This sound, it resonates in my heart.
So, stick to your new yr resolutions, it hints.
Stick to em.

& I know, I surely will try to.

NEW YR'S RESOLUTION:

1) 4A1s and 2A2s for O lvls!
2) Complete my cosplay plans!
3) Try to curb that vulgur attitude.
4) KIT with everyone even after the yr ends.
5) Learn Bass after O lvls.

We'll see how it goes, slowly, surely, we'll all make it.
-----

Okay, I've come to a conclusion finally.
I'm seijiro-'s fangirl. (for a female cosplayer).
& for musicians? I'll still stick to GACKT-sama.

& the pattern of me being semi-high/high is as follows:

1) Coke/ Jolly shandy must be present
2) I'll LMAO non-stop.
3) I'll hit you.
4) I'll swear and turn really vulgur.
5) I'll hug you without thinking.
6) I'll smack you multiple times, like srsly, combo.
7) I'll totally talk about any subject with you, and the word fuck flies out in almost every single sentence.

So there you have it.
My semi-high/high self.
See if you can take it.
It's totally different from the angry/tired/normal me.
& obviously, ppl facepalmed loads of times when they see me like that.
HAH.

EOY update!

2009-12-27T22:35:00.000-08:00

-pic taken from sgcafe, BNN.

Okay, EOY IS OFFICIALLY OVER!

I have no idea why Rakel looks so pissed in the picture, but whatever!

Okay, I'm waiting for Jeshika and JL to upload pics & fangirling at the same time.

Also, I'm planning for next yr's cosplay plans.

So here's a rough summary about what happened at EOY:

Met up with Night at Serangoon for some stuff,

& we waited for Rakel to come down before cabbing to arab street.

& ppl were calling Night not-stop.

Everyone's waiting for her to style their wig and help em' with makeup. xD

Then we went to aracb street, met with shuki, sakurazaki, yumi (I dunno about tis).

And Night went off to help shuki carry her awesome prop.

~~/coughs. Gimme credit k, I helped with the prop also.~~

So we walked to NLB after chatting for a while.

Saku was nice. 8D

Anyways, rakel painted her nails when we reached there and we finished up our props.

Then I had to wait for night to come and style my wig and helped me with my brows.

In the end, Izumi helped me with my brows and I found out about her secret fetish. xD

& I just realised yesterday that the weird person helping Night with her prop was Botak.

So I was named as a 'dao-er'. -.-

But srsly, you can't blame me, I was blinddddd.

Well, kind of.

& I met up with Ex14, saki, astaroth, blahblah.

I still haven't met L.haruki yet.

Saki invited me for a gong gong party with kiseki and haru though.

(kiseki's a jrock band in sg~).

So apparently I found out that saki has a weird fetish.

& that she was always staring at shiro (kiseki vox)'s below.

Tsk tsk, I didn't know my twin was so polluted.

In anycase, the rest of the time, we were posing, and eating and slacking.

Interesting stuff?

Er, a mum told us to pose for her kid.

The thing is, the poses are shounen, so, we can't really pose, and it ended up being awkward. xD

But the best part was the conversation I had with Night!

Me: let's have an affair!

Her: Ok lo. COME COME! /comes super close.

Me: /shuns away. OYYY, YOU ALMOST KISS ME LEH!

xD this shows that Night's totally used to this!

In anycase, we met with Jac. And the weird thing was, she looked CUTE as ciel. o.o;;

Nonetheless, good cosplay effort!

Ok, so it ended as a tiring day & Night was piling me with all the cosplay infos.

I'm excited for upcoming plans~

I'm saikanging with ______ for the romeo and cinderella shoot this sat.

Ze ppl are going to be wearing undergarments and singlets only!

& there're bathtub/bed scenes. (this is srsly better than wall sex).

Best of all, there's yaoi and normal rs. 2 in 1, and the master of the shoot's HAWT. 8D

& to conclude my longlong post, my upcoming plans?

- March: Prolly BPM

- June/July: FF13 (can't wait for this).

-EOY: A secret game~

-tentative/undecided date: DW6, dreaming lil' bird version of vocaloid.

Okay, school's gonna start and hw's undone.

I srsly need lw. T-T

JAAAAAAAAAAAAAA~

And ILY NIGHT~! You is a life-saver. 8D

SCHOOL'S STARTING, HAVE YOU GUYS DONE YOUR HW? 8D

merry christmas!

2009-12-21T09:21:00.001-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODYYYYYY! >D
Shall update tmr after EOY!
& you know what, Night's christmas shoot was kick-ass awesome. 8D

Update on plans.

2009-12-21T09:21:00.000-08:00

Hai peeps.
EOY is nearing, and the cosplay society dictates us to chiong props. D8
Okay, so i'm pretty busy now.
Cos'...

I just finished the headphones today.
& Rakel wants to change the side.
So I have to change it.
So since I change it, I'll change the pattern as well.
So I changed the pattern (just did it).

& I lack a neckbow. So LW's teaching me how to make one on thurs.
& then I lack wires cos I left mine at Night's house.
& then I have to help Night with Shuki's bigbig sword tmr.
& then on Wed, I have to finish my prop.
& then on the day I collect my wig, I need to get 2 way cake.
& then I need to put on contacts for at least 6 hours.
& then I need to try on all my makeup.
& then I have to think of poses for magnet photoshoot.
& then I have to do hw.
& last but not least,

I HAVE TO KEEP MYSELF HYPED UP FOR NEXT YR'S COSPLAY PLANS.
Cos srsly, screwing up is not allowed in front of ppl with aura. period.
Off to nap, BB!

photoshoot.

2009-12-17T04:26:00.001-08:00

I seriously is high.
& Rakel, I know you're jealous of me. I'll bring you there as skw if possible.
Then you can drool along with me. 8D
Oh god, please. Let..
y______e, j_____, z______, ________a join the team.
And I'm totally drool at them through the whole photoshoot. T-T

Bass, i want one.

2009-12-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

Why don't I have a brother/friend who plays the bass?!
& it's too bad that I don't celebrate christmas too, if not I can totally ask for one.
Grr.
Yes yes, I'm still raving about it.

But I think the bass' like, sexy.
Cos the pitch is low and that's hawt.
Besides, it's curvy, serves as a eyecandy. 8D
Being a poor student doesn't help at all.

I guess I can save up for a starter's pack.
Then self-learn a lil.
Then work after Os' to get money.
& then use that money to get lessons.

& Nope, my mum's not helping.
Bias and stingy ppl are always bias and stingy you know?
I guess that she thinks that I'm not committed enough.
Geez, just because I didn't go for the last jap lesson (test) for beginners 1.
But srsly, does she even want to send me for beginners' lesson 2 and the rest of the lessons?

Apparently she doesn't, so what's the point of going for the test anyway?!
GRR. I want ze sexy bass. I really do.D8

Get me a bass, pretty/handsome please?

updates, again.

2009-12-14T09:02:00.000-08:00

Hai peeps.
I twisted my arm today.
Technically speaking, my vein shifted from its original place.
& it freaking hurts.

11 more days to go.
MUST MUST MUST chiong props.
& let's see. Homework.
What the hell is this. D<

I, wants to learn ze bass.
But I'm so broke that I don't think I can go for lessons,
Or get my bass guitar.
I need to work, srsly.
WHY CAN'T MY MUM JUST LET ME LEARN BASS?! GEH. D:

/emo-mode. Yes ppl, I'm starting to PMS, leave me alone for now.
JAAA.

You know,
When you put up a brave front,
You'll just want to cry more when you're alone.

It's already...WHUTTTT.

2009-12-13T10:40:00.000-08:00

That's it.
I take nudity/H better than gore.
I swear.

& LW, I'm still high from the cosplay thing I told you.
I'm still high.
I really am.
I srsly am.
Positive.
Affirmative.

I'm kind of tired now, running out of energy to be high anymore.
So I'll just fangirl for GACKT-sama tmr.
I'm kind of glad that I'm not a extreme fangirl. WOOTS~
/does ellendegeneres' dance.
Have I mentioned that Ellen pwns?!

So watching her show tmr.
Anyways, I met up with Night again today, I ended up slacking. -.-!
But at least I met shuki (aka night's clone).
They srsly look alike.
& she's really FUNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
Lols. Ok, tution tmr, jaaa.

updates!

2009-12-12T09:09:00.000-08:00

I finally have the motivation to blog again.

Anyways, update on cosplay plans~.

For magnet, my butterflies are done.

Tmr, I think I'm going over to Night's house to finish it up.

And my vocaloid plans are changing a lil I think.

One more plan up by the way.

Next station, FF XIII!

& in case you don't know what it is,

Here it is:

The character i'm doing is serah.

In case you can't tell, I'm rather high.

I'm trying to make night form a whole team, WAHAHAHAHAHA. 8D

Anyways, I'm beginning to like Gazette.

Have I mentioned that guys with low voices are damn hard to find in Japan?

That's why I love GACKT.

Smexy voice.

Repeat after me~>D

About homework,

I actually finished eng and geog.

Chem, left with one ws. Need to photocopy from someone!

Chinese is killing me. Srsly.

Need to read hong lou meng. Lw says it's about girls shaving RSs with rich guys! xD

Tution hw done.

Anyways, went to get my EOY ticket today~ 8D

Other than that, I helped Night find her wallet.

I told you I rock~

My hols are flying away, I be sad, gah.

Ok, I be bored. zaijian.

Shall blog when I have motivation. -.-

8D

2009-12-10T04:34:00.000-08:00

Whoo. Got the frigging com back.
& to someone out there,
I think you srsly lack a brain.

8S

2009-12-04T03:05:00.000-08:00

Hey ppl. The world's still alive.
Currently at Crys' house.
I'm rotting at home without the computer.
Anyways, having tution nowadays. D8

& I jut realised today that Rakel's SINGLE EYELID.
& my brother's DOUBLE EYELID. WHHEEE.8D
Someone fix my com soon. D:

Meeting Night this Sunday to work on my headphone~
/is excited.
I'm glad for once that I don't play fb games or all my stuff will be dead/demoted.
Crys' is bored. >D
WII is fun.
Mum might be getting a laptop. 8D

Ok, I haz no inspiration so, bb.

Whut.

2009-11-19T08:49:00.001-08:00

Jessica just shocked the hell out of me today.
She suddenly texted me from Korea.
& said that she got me BB cream.
Which is totally unexpected. I brought it up as a joke. ;_;

& it costs 40 bucks.
So suddenly, I owe her 40 bucks.
But then again, she said I don't need to pay immediately.
You know what Jess, you can wait for a nong nong time.
Cos I am currently tight on cash due to cosplay.
~~I'm secretly hoping that you'll just use the cream up, haha.~~

In any case, this post is meant to drag ppl to go out with me. I'm going to list the things I need to get.

Makeup:

Black, white, brown, silver eyeshadow.
Black Kohl Eyeliner.
Fake eyelashes.
Eyelash curler.
Cleanser.
Primer.
Eyeliner sharpener.
Brushes.
Makeup sponge.
Lip stick, lip gloss.

Others:

Contacts
Dress
Gloves
Shoes

THEREFORE, I NEED SOMEONE TO HOP AROUND TOWN WITH ME.
Makeup..probably able to be cleared in 1/2 shops.
Dress, gloves and shoes, probably at chinatown.
Contacts, I'm damn lost about this, someone save me. D:

Okay ppl,
陪我SHOP啊！！

Rant.

2009-11-17T06:24:00.000-08:00

For the 3rd time, I honestly believe that my mum'a a B----.
Right. So the first time was the tution incident.
& I was ok until today she talked about it again.
Let's see. She raised her voice at me.

So I raised my voice also.
And I told her to stop raising your voice at me whenever we talk about tution.
It doesn't seem to occur to her that she's the parent,
She should do the tution hunting for me instead of me looking for it myself.

& then, secondly, she talked about this upgrading the com speed thingy.
So last month I received a letter about upgrading the com and stuff due to a gov policy.
Like, upgrade now or you'll have to pay later.
& she told me to upgrade it on the net. So I said ok.
But the thing is, she insisted that she handed me a letter.

Right, she did pass me the letter, but I left it in her room, on top of her bed.
So after all this while, she finally mentioned it today.
Okay, so now that she has mentioned it. I realised that the letter is missing.
And therefore, I cannot register, and I cannot do anything.
And so, she insisted that I was the asshole who didn't want to help her register.

Obviously I'll think that she's a biatche here.
Cos' she's asking me to do something for her during my intensive period of revision for chi,
Whereby I have to revise for chi with that much homework,
& If i'm not wrong, revise for EOY = I've never really used the com.

So if she's asking me to do something for her,
Shouldn't she remind me earlier?!
& now she's blaming me for it.
SRSLY. WHO THE FUCK'S SUPPOSE TO DO THIS?!
Ok great. I agreed to help, but shouldn't you, the all so awesome parent, remind me if you really don't want to pay for something?
& If you cared that much, I'm sure that you'll have noticed that I've not been updating you about it and something is wrong.

PUH-LEASE. YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WITH A LIFE.
& best of all. She's saying that I'm always like that.
Well, isn't she always like that too?
Always pushing the responsibility of a mum to me?

All I can say is, it's in the genes man, it's in the dna.
I can't help it, you made me that way, & now you're blaming me for it.
At the very least, I make the effort to do stuff that i'm not even responsible for, talk about being a responsible mum, hah.

Yes, I know I've been ranting alot recently.
All I can say is, my life ain't smooth sailing.

Ego much?

2009-11-15T07:29:00.000-08:00

I don't get it, I seriously don't.
How can someone be THAT egoistic?
& no, not in a way that I can accept.
It's obvious that he/she isn't kidding.

I mean, I know some egoistic people.
Quite a few in fact.
But they actually have what it takes to be ego.
MOST of them.

Like one of my guy friends,
He goes around saying that he's handsome.
& you got to admit, he's abve average.
So that, is understandable.
(though now I rarely talk to him cos he's getting worse).

But when someone who's not all that awesome talks about how awesome she or he is,
It's a major turnoff.
I don't even think that they'll be f--ked & yet they're going "I'm dead awesome.", equating to, "I'm sexy, you know?". Like hell yeah. If I'm a hot guy/girl, I won't want to f--k you. I don't even want to take a look at you.
In anycase, not having an ego irritates me to no end too.

I mean, if someone insults you like crap,
You can tolerate it, but one day, make it known.
Don't just hold it in & accept it.

Especially when you know it ain't true.
Especially when you know that there ARE people who think that you are beautiful.
You don't need to be judged by superficial eyes, you don't.
What do they really know about you anyway?
Nothing.

They are just judging you because they're blinded by their own egoistic thoughts.
I know you're not happy with it, I'm even pissed by what they tell you.
So you know what, I'm behind you if you finally decide to speak up, fighting!

Or another case,
Telling me how worthless you are.
You know what? APPRECIATE YOUR F--KING LIFE.
If I can, I'll very much have YOUR life.
So stop complaining to me, cos when you say "Nobody cares",
I know that you just want me to say the same thing to you again.

Saying "Oh, of cos ppl care. Your parents care.", blahblah.
Hell, if you think you're worthless, do something to prove that you're not.
If you think you're pathetic, then stop whining & try to be strong.
If you think that nobody cares, stop living in denial & open your eyes,
FIND THE FREAKING REASON WHY YOU'VE BEEN REJECTED.

In other words, it's caused by you, you & yourself.
It's stupid to say that you're worthless & that nobody cares when you know there ARE ppl who care.
Srsly, continue saying that, continue emo-ing.
& when the day comes when nobody really cares for you anymore,
Then you'll have something real to emo about.

Stop saying "It's so difficult.",
Cos you know what? There're even tougher stuff ahead of you.
So get yourself out of that shit mess & continue moving forward.
Nobody would care about you when you don't care about yourself.
Nobody would find you worthless unless you think so yourself.
So SNAP OUT OF IT, F--K.

Ok, finish ranting. It felt good. >D
Back to reading then. JAA.

kittylab, fangirl.

2009-11-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

http://www.kittylab.com.sg/en2/eng_KittyLab.html
Is the website just CUTE or what?!
& like, it's damn freaking awesome.
Though I don't exactly know what it's about,
I checked out the videos, and it looks really fun! >D

Anyways, LW lent me like 19 CDs, and I borrowed 3 new books.
Including my stash of books that I have to complete,
I have 9 books to complete.
& like, 16.5 CDs to complete.
Strangely, I preferred TW's version of hana kimi.
It was funnier. xD

Anyways, gonna start on my headphones soon~
Damn excited.
& I got even more excited cos I spotted magnum.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.
Therefore, I conclude: GACKT should wear more tight tight jeans. 8D

Okay, I'm super bored right now. I've got a few more chapters to go for one of the library books.
So yeah, blog again when I'm free or something.
The blog's rather dead yeah?
& ppl, did you remember to get JESS to get you something from KOREA?

I hope you did. I told her to get me some instant noodles.xD
Thinking about it, I should have asked her to get me a hat. Shit.
SOMEONE, GET ME A HAT/BAG NEXT TIME YOU GO OVERSEAS YEAH?!

Okay, I think I'll watch Laputa Castle in the sky tmr since it's the 0.5.
Spirited away was nice though. It's the 3rd time I'm watching it. Love it.
Somehow, I don't want to watch the Girl who leapt through time anymore.
I think i'll very much prefer the manga, hpmh.
& lastly, I think I should start with 1 litres of tears.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, back to my books, and fangirling. BB~

jerk.

2009-11-11T23:26:00.000-08:00

你终究该为他人着想，
因为你不是女皇，
我们根本不需要迁就你。
你，是自己讨厌的例子。
难道你看不出吗？哈哈哈。

Rant, yet again.

2009-11-10T07:12:00.000-08:00

Ok, so here's the rant.
Tution.
I'll try to keep this rant short.
WHEN IT'S IT ITALIC, IT'S STATING THAT I'M PISSED.

Basically, mum came home asking about the search for tution teachers.
So I repeated myself again about the progress, which isn't really going well.

She obviously hasn't been paying attention to anything I said about the search for tution teachers. I've been updating her weekly, & she's still asking me about the progress.

So why isn't it going smooth?
Basically, Rachael was suppose to go with me for this tution.
But just after I confirm everything, her mum told her that this teacher only conduct classes during the hols.
So okay, I was initially fine with that.
But next, the price of the tution changed too, and I have no idea how to get to that location.
So I had no choice but to look for another tutor.

So after that, I told my mum that I'm already looking for a tutor,
& it is NOT my fault that there was a change in plans.

& then she started going " Since Oct, you've been looking for a teacher, until now, you still can't find".

Okay, so now what?
Are you oblivious to my efforts to try and find a tution teacher?
& not like things always goes the way I want it.
HELLO? You think I'm god or something?

So anyways, she could obviously sense that I'm getting annoyed.
& she tried to change the topic.
Asking " so how's looking for the new tutor going?"

AGAIN, I said, I've been updating her, & now it comes down to this. Shows that she wasn't listening to me at all.

& so I told her the options that I have.
The next thing I know, she was annoyed and was almost yelling at me,
Saying that I should ring up the teachers myself instead of asking my friends.
& I explained to her that we are all busy with work, it's not like I can help it.
& then she went "Is it THAT~ hard to do so?!"

Oh great, look, my Os' just ended, you want me to look for a frigging tutor myself, you want me to score in my Os', you want me to do the household work for you, you want me to look for a tutor for your son. Am I a superwoman or what? & what, I'm acting like the mum instead.

& then she suggested to go to mavis,
Or back to my previous sec2 tutor.

Again, it shows that she wasn't even listening, just being critical.
Cos I told her that I can't absorb any info taught by the previous tutor,
& I can't go to Mavis cos they're too far in progress.
I feel like I'm talking to a frigging wall.

Then, she stomped out the room,
After saying, "don't say I've never looked for a tutor for you".

It's like, wtf. I'm looking for my own tutors. & please, I have limited resources. I am not an adult, I have limited network and of cos, as a student, I have limited time. I'm not saying that adults have more time but, it's her responsibility as a mum to look for a tutor for me. Not mine! & now she's even claiming credits for my efforts, srsly.

& for the last part of my rant,

[LW] says:
ugh
then ur bro leh?

♥ belladonna-; says:
My brother ah. Damn a lot of tution, close to house, she tell him that if he can't cope, must tell her, she'll look for new teacher = i look = that's why i ask for mavis schedule.

[LW] says:
wtf.
ur bro HAVENT EVEN STARTED SECONDARY
AND U ARE TAKING OLVL NEXT YR LAH WTF

This basically sums up the last part.
& she tells me that she's being fair.
Funny, I don't recall anyone doing all that work for me when I was in P6.
Just goes to show that gender discrimination exists,
& how ppl who contradicts themselves irritates me off to no end.
~~FUCK.~~

NANA~

2009-11-08T10:51:00.000-08:00

Hey peeps. It's 3 and I'm still awake due to Insomnia.

So I decided to just write a post dedicated to NANA, since I'm so obsessed with it now.

Okay, I shall start with the character intro.

Please refer to the picture above if you're lost. xD

Nana Ichinose: Also known as Hachiko. Bubble personality, but indecisive. Married to Takumi as she was pregnant. The child is not known to be Nobu's or Takumi's. Since she had sex with Takumi and then with Nobu. Then she got pregnant. Very close to NANA. Shin's "mom".

Nana: Wife of Ren, strong rs. Vocalist of band "blast", cool personality, yet keeps to herself alot. Loves Nana Ichinose. Currently missing. Depends on Yasu alot.

Nobu: Ex of Nana.Ichinose and currently going steady with Yuri (AV idol). However, he still has feelings for Nana, and blames himself for giving Nana up to Takumi just because he was not brave enough. Nana still has feelings for him also. Member of Blast (guitarist). Felt betrayed by Ren cos Ren left Blast to join Trapnest.

Shin: 15 yr old buy passing off as a 17 pr old to join Blast. Loves Reira. However, he is unloved by his family and despised. Takes drugs cos of a unusual relationship with a woman thought to provide him with "love" (In actual fact, teaching him to smoke and all cos she loves badboys. She even set up a web for male prostitution and got Shin to do it).

Takumi Ichinose: Husband of Nana Ichinose, leader of Trapnest. Known to have a short temper, and is a playboy. Assumed responsibilty of Nana's child & really loves Nana. However, he is probably in love with Reira, the vocalist of Trapnest since they're childhood friends and he probably set up trapnest just for her.

Yasu: Boyfriend of Myu. Known to have a sexual relationship with Shion, and is Reira's ex. Member of Blast. He loves Nana but because of Ren, gives her up. Known as the baldy by many, he's smart and cool~

Ren: Husband of Nana, loves Nana alot. Knows about Yasu's feelings to nana, therefore, he thought of killing Nana in order to keep her as 'his'. Died in a car accident after rushing to meet Nana on her b'day ( wanted to makeup with her since they fought). Even when he was dead, he protected his hands since he was the guitarist of Trapnest.

Reira: American-Japanese vocalist of Trapnest. In love with Takumi since young and also in love with Shin. Currently in denial (not accepting the truth that Ren's dead).

Minor characters:

Yuri: AV idol, girlfriend of Nobu, jealous of nana ichinose.

Myu : Girlfriend of Yasu. Older than him, predicts other ppl's behaviour, smart.

Shouji: Nana's ex. betrayed nana by cheating on her with a girl called Sachiko.

Jun: Nana,Ichinose's bestest friend before she met Nana.

Ok, that's all for now. I think you peeps will be irritated if I continue, so yeah. LATAA.

I really want someone to upload chaptr 85 of NANA now. D<

Addicted aka dead blog.

2009-11-06T02:52:00.000-08:00

The G-Model turned out to be fake,
What a disappointment. D:
& I'm addicted to NANA.
So I might take a while before I really post anything that's relevent to my life. -.-

Okay, going for dinner now.
Because of NANA,I skipped lunch again.
Then again, I'm used to skipping lunch due to Track.
So Track turned out to be useful afterall huh?
In anycase, stomach's dying, bye peeps.

--

Even though I like to be alone,
No matter what,
There must be a light in my room.
Even if it's dim, I'll be happy to just have it.

GACKT MODEL.

2009-11-05T01:12:00.001-08:00

http://community.livejournal.com/gacktoholics/28207.html

OMGOSH.
I CANNOT CONTAIN THIS ANYMORE.
CLICK ON THE LINK PPL, IT'S THE GACKT-MODEL!!

& guess what.
It can sing, drive, play musical instruments, shop, play games, do martial arts, sports and even COOK.
It's like, a replica of a fake GACKT beside you.
& best of all, it acts like GACKT.

"Your GACKT unit can assume some household tasks. Your GACKT unit is designed to cook, but this takes up to 4 days." - GACKT's cooking does take up to 4 days,really.

"Your GACKT unit can do your shopping, but has a need to seek items in unusual places, in this case it is best to accompany your unit." - Nuff said. We all know that GACKT's weird (weird is good 8D).

& guess what- you have to clean him daily to keep him soft and tender. 8D

" **Limited and Extended Warranties do not cover expense of divorce proceedings leading from excessive use of your GACKT unit.**" - Can someone like, EXPLAIN THIS TO ME?! OMG.

***NEVER LEAVE THE UNIT UNATTENDED*** (ie-allow your GACKT unit walk to the corner shop for a liter of milk) Even with a GPS tracking device there has been a high incidence of theft for this unit, (particularly the Limited Edition Takano Yuri and Genesis Rhapsodos Crisis Core Models) - like duh, we all know that. I mean, GACKT's loved. >_>

Nuff said.
I WANTS GACKT-ROBOT-MODEL. D8

Random BMI~

2009-11-03T19:45:00.000-08:00

To the tune of I gotta feeling:

Edward is thinking,
That bella is a good bite.
Bella better not turn off the lights,
Or Edward will give her a big big fright.

Bella is thinking,
Why is Edward's pants so tight,
Why is Edward's voice so high?
Wonder if he is a girl or guy!

- muttons~

Don't you just love Mutton's musical tuesday?

---

Anyways, didn't go school today.
I'm rather sick of school now.
Really.
And actually, I have no idea what to blog about.
Ok, shall do random stuff.
Let's calculate BMI! 8D

Er, let's see.

http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/:

Body mass index (BMI) is a measure of body fat based on height and weight that applies to both adult men and women. - actually, I'm not an adult, but whatever.

http://www.whathealth.com/bmi/formula.html:

Metric Imperial BMI Formula
The metric bmi formula accepts weight measurements in kilograms & height measurements in either cm's or meters.1 meter = 100cmsmeters² = meters * meters
Table: Metric BMI Formula
BMI =( kg/m² )
weight in kilograms
————————————
height in meters²

Eh. What is my height in Msquare?
Okayy. Let's try to calculate height in M2.
it's like whut..er.
1.63 in Metres.
So metres2
= 1.63 x 1.63
= 2.6569

OKAYY. Let's move on.
What's my weight?
The last time I took was 40.3 after diarrhea.
So now, I'll put it as 41 or something.

BMI =( kg/m² )
weight in kilograms
————————————
height in meters²

= 41
————————————
2.6569

= 15.431517934

So, comparing it to a table...

Table: BMI Weight Status Categories

BMI Weight Status
Below 18.5 :Underweight
18.5 -24.9 :Normal
25 - 29.9 :Overweight
30 & Above :Obese

... I'm underweight. Woola. They're right.
Ok, end of my random post. 8D

Grumpy old man!

2009-10-26T23:46:00.000-07:00

Recently, I realised that most people around me are GRUMPY.
So you know what?
Today, I'll teach you how to draw a grumpy old man,
With a bit of skill & fun.
So in other words, this post is dedicated to all you grumpy ppl out there!8D

--

Just in case you still don't get how to draw a grumpy old man:

First, draw a j. -我的名字叫

Then when it comes to the part "我有两个眼睛", draw 2 eyes.

Then when it comes to "我三天没吃饭", write a chinese 3 on top.

Then when it comes to "四天没喝水", write a chinese4 on top.

When it comes to "走过全世界", draw a circle outside.

& when it's "我有两个老婆", draw 2 ears for him.

Then "三个孩子", draw 3 strands of hair.

And when it's "他们叫我爸爸", draw 2 big curvy lines for the moustache, just like the same as the top of the word 爸.

There you have it, a grumpy old man, just like you! 8D

random compilation of stuff.

2009-10-26T23:17:00.000-07:00

Silly period- everyone goes through it.
But there's an extent to silly-ness.
I can't take crap.
& no, I'm not kind enough to tolerate your shit.
Please get your ass to move on.

--

Joke from yesterday:
" Love is like a constipated man, SHIT".
I ROFL-ED AT THIS. 8D

In anycase, Rakel came over to my house yesterday,
& she received some super duper bad news. D:
& then I gave her a long talk even though I had no idea what I was talking about.
In any case, she didn't take my advice.
& see what happens- her mum didn't believe her!

SEE LA.
不听秀芳言，吃亏在眼前！
Anyways, halloween's coming. Anyone up for anything?
I was thinking..of going out as a big group to watch CORALINE.
Or maybe jennifer's body.
Lots of people are wanting to see JENNIFER'S BODY. 8D
/just had a sudden flashback of crys' mum's name. O:

In any case, I'm not really adjusting back to the normal studying life.
Though I really ought to. PUSHHHHH myself.
Deliever that baby, baby. D8
I have no idea what happened to Night, gotta make her reply me soon.

V-rock festival was disappointing. D<
They only showed versailles for 30 secs.
& they didn't even show Gazette.
Ah wells, at least they showed SCREW.
/love the way byou looks.

Other than that, they spent time on stupid interviews,
& also, bands that i've never heard of.
Some of the 'singers' were really 'singing',
Screaming their lungs out. Good job man, good job.
I'm rather glad i'm not a jrock fanatic, or I'll sink in disappointment.
Then again, non of my fangirl behaviour's extreme. ;/

& CRYS, COME BACK TO SCHOOL ALREADY.
THE FRIGGING STACK OF HOMEWORK IS PILING UP.
& SINCE I'M SUCH A RESPONSIBLE PERSON, I CAN'T FRIGGING LEAVE THE WS IN SCHOOL SINCE I THINK IT'LL GET LOST.

Okay, back to my post.
According to my friend. Mr. TZK OF OUR BELOVED SCHOOL COSPLAYED GUNDAM.
/facepalms.
Who's tzk? A clue- rakel thought he was the FMA cos-er from cosfest.
It was shocking to hear this. o.o;;

ANYWAYS, I SHALL SAY A:
HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL OF YOU~!
In advance, cos I can't even remember the day of halloween now.
I think I must be breathing in hexane unknowingly.
Okay, need to get back to homework soon. D:
On a random side note, trinity blood ftw. >D

PS: let's have a sleepover movie marathon. 8D

dark wood circus

2009-10-24T06:28:00.000-07:00

"

It's fun, so fun!
This circus is so fun
Rotten fruit, to dissolve my eyes
My skin festers, reflected on my eyes
I want to die, want to dieGet me out of here, pleaseIt is impossible for anyone to say and feel"

REPORT~!

2009-10-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

alll rite gals.
I'm back from the gathering, it was veriiiii happening!
i think i am the first to reach home and first to post.
here is the long summary of the happening.

The gals met up at 4 pm at Suntec.
I met them after work, at 6,50 pm,at Swissotel.
While i was walking around, trying to look for the group of them, I saw a big group of beautiful (reallly beautiful) and dressed up ladies, in gowns!
they look so obviously that they are Japanese. and i spotted one of them wearing the Gackt pass on her neck!
den i realise that, they are the chosen Dears to go to a function with Gackt.

Then, I managed to met up with the rest.
We were trying to pass a bag , filled with our cards, gift and drawing, to the Dears staff.
however, they rejected us right in front of our face, stating that they are not allowed to accept gift and pass to Gackt.
Then, we tried to go to the receptionist counter, and requested the hotel staff, to help us pass the bag of gifts to Gackt.

however, they were not able to find his name in their list of names.
obviously, Gackt either used his real name (which we do not know) or some other staff name to check in to the room.
after that, we walked to the Level 3, where there is a poster stand, and whiteboard. the poster stand is one of the page, in Gackt Official 2010 Calendar.
on the poster, it stated that it is for the month May and June 2010.

next to the stand, there is a white board, with all their itineraries,
stating where they will be gathering at wad time.
we saw a lady , sitting at the table , next to the whiteboard.
we thought that she is one of the Dears Staff, and talked to her, hoping that she can help us to pass the gift.
however, it turn out that she is one of the tour agent helping out.

we were disappointed and thought that we will never get the chance to pass the gift to Gackt.
Just at that moment, a lady in white dress (name her Lady K) appeared.
She appeared veri flustered, and scared.
and she came towards me and another gal, and asked us for help.

after communicating for a long time (cuz i can only speak a little japanese, and with the help from other gals who can speak japanese),
we found out that Lady K was lost with her group.
she was trying to find out where the tour agent had gone to.
eventually, she decided to go back to her room.
before she went off, I approached her, and tried to ask her, whether she could help us to pass the gift to Gackt.

but, she told us that she can't help us.
cuz her expression looked quite scared, so we didn't pursued on.
we were disappointed again. cuz everybody put in effort, to make the gift, and write the cards, we really wanted to pass it to Gackt, and didn't want to make everyone's effort wasted.
just before all of us went for dinner and decide to go home. lady K appeared again.

and she told us that she can help us to pass the gift, but in Japan.
and she gave us some info on the trip. She is also from the Dears.
we were soooooo happy! but, she cannot reveal too much info on the trip too.
so , we respected her decision, by not asking too much.

however, she was quite kind, she showed us a picture of her with Gackt.
Then we found out a lot of things.
The 1000 fans who came along with Gackt, balloted and tried their luck.
that means, from the start, there could be 5000 fans balloting to go for the trip,
but in the end, only 1000 is chosen randomly and they are the 1000 lucky fans.

The fans come all the way to sg, is just to take photo with Gackt , ONE BY ONE!
some of them actually is not really interested to come for the trip,
they just want to have pix with him. lol.
Yesterday, they took photo with Gackt. from 12 pm to 8 pm.

All 1000 fans get the chance to take photo with Gackt ONE BY ONE.
and the photos is printed and given to them.
so all 1000 fans have a picture with Gackt.
The photo is taken in one of the hotel room. and it is decorated so damn nice!

it has the posh feeling. There is a very nice couch, where Gackt sits on , with his fan, to take picture.
we gals are so happy, that we couldn't resist, but to take photo of the picture.
and lady K let us take photo of it. (i will be posting my pix at LJ instead..)then,
Lady K also took pictures with us.
all of us was so happy and glad that she offered to help, by bringing back the gift bag to Japan,
to Dears office, and will pass it to Gackt through the staff. this is what she promised us.

den she went back to room to rest. den, we were pondering ,
whether we should stay on or leave. we went back to level 3, a
nd realised that the Gackt poster was removed.
lol. that means, we were lucky to see his poster , and take pix of it, before the poster was removed.

just when we are about to leave, one of the gals received a phone call from her friend.
and found out that Gackt appeared at her work place!
I wouldn't say the venue, cuz i think it will be too much, to reveal the location.
cuz it seems that the secret event held is not supposed to let any other ppl know.

apparently, they had a dinner/function/performance (i am not sure bout it) over there. [now i know why the group of Japanese girls dressed up so pretty].
and for the girls who are able to attend, are chosen randomly.
that means, not all the 1000 fans are chosen to go to the function.
i am not sure how many of them were chosen.

all of us went crazy instantly, upon hearing the news!
most of them rushed to take taxi down to the place. while one of them had a car, and drove some of them.
however I didnt' go, cuz of some prob...anyway, i had fun too la.
this is my first time doing such thing! omg! wad an experience!
so, right now, most of the gals are at the place , trying their luck to see whether they can get to meet Gackt face to face.

I wish them the luck! (so, yeah.. LIVE REPORT FROM THE VENUE... LOL)
Think they are either busy camping there, or busy taking photos, there is no reply from the person whom I messaged.
LOL...so, now we just wait for the others to come back and share with us their experience.

disclaimer : If there is anything stated above, is not supposed to be posted ,or it is not rite, pls do kindly let me know, and I will amend.THANKS!oh ya... to the media reading this, pls do not make ur report so exaggerating, in the magazine/newspaper/tv media/radio station etc.

-taken from vouge_ace on sgcafe.
/dies.

IMPTT!

2009-10-21T05:13:00.000-07:00

I really need to study,
But I'm tired.
So very tired.
The workshop today was BORINGG.
I was fighting the urge to sleep.

& anyways, the networking they were hoping that we'll do didn't work. >D
In any case, important news.
GACKT-sama WAS SPOTTED AT TAKA YESTERDAY! T.T

People are saying that he's having a secret live at Suntec this Sat.
Anyone in?!
Timing unknown yet. But if it's true, i'll dig the info up soon.
Then i'll go get my makeup another day.
PPL, LET'S GO SUNTEC. D8

Thinking again- aka emo carp.

2009-10-21T05:07:00.000-07:00

Desperate and deceitful,
We grasp at any strand of hope.
Then stick by that purpose,
Opening up a cocoon of despair.

Then you lie, you contradict,
All in denial,
You wallow in despair,
You fear, you wish, you hope.

Then that day comes,
Eventually, left with nothing,
lost it all.
Yet we still foolishly persist.

You want to believe,
Believe in that sinful yet beautiful black lie,
That piece of you is finally revealed.
Weak, fragile, harmless, meek.

And then, when you finally realise that,
You lost your self,
And wallow in despair.
But stop not,
Cos' there's still some evil waiting for you.

& that devil in hiding appears,

Checkmate.